They’re gone. I drove my senior and freshman to college, unpacked and made the freshman’s bed, took them to lunch, cried, hugged and drove away. Not a fun day for me but the anticipation was worse than the reality.
Empty nest syndrome refers to feelings of depression, grief and sadness experienced by parents (mostly mothers) when their children leave home. It is prevalent this time of year when colleges begin, but can also relate to feelings experienced when the last child gets married.
Some believe that women are more vulnerable, as this is also the age where they may be going through menopause and caring for elderly parents simultaneously.
“It is normal to feel sadness or loss when your child goes to college,” according to Dr. Amy Silverman, assistant professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College.
Although empty nest syndrome is not a disorder listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, “If depression persists or becomes extreme, it might be time to seek professional help”, Silverman says.
Christine Proulx, professor of human development at University of Missouri, found that “far from falling apart, many parents relish the change and enjoy it while it’s occurring. Distance seemed to strengthen bonds, and parents found pride in watching their children mature and gain independence.” Periods of teariness or spending time in the absent child’s bedroom to feel closer to him or her are normal and expected reactions (the time I spent in my child’s bedroom was to clean it).
If you begin to experience more severe symptoms, such as excessive crying, feeling that your life is no longer useful, or intense sadness that precludes you from going to work or out with friends, consider professional help.
If your child is having trouble adjusting, resist the urge to try and make everything better. This is a big step in the development of their independence and they need time to make friends and get into the new routine. Constant phone calls telling her how much you miss her will only make things worse. Rather, use these tips to organize your quiet, clean nest: —Turn to friends for help and support. Many are in your same situation, and those with older children can give you the benefit of their experience in this area.
—E-mail your student with the latest news from home. I like to check their “away” message to ensure it changes daily, letting me know they are alive. This way I don’t have to bother them for this precious piece of knowledge.
—Learn how to send text messages via the cell, as this is what they respond to.
—Send care packages with their favorite cookies and snacks.
—Keep informed as to what is going on in school. The colleges usually have a parent Web site.
—Re-invent yourself. Volunteer on boards working for causes that interest you or sign up for committees. Try new hobbies.
—If you were a stay at home parent, consider starting a new career.
—Plan a vacation.
Before you visit Home Depot and turn their room into a gym or media room, remember they will come back, at least during school vacations, to reclaim their space. Sometimes they even return, after college, for an extended period.
These are called “boomerang kids.” That’s a column for another day.
