Dear Amy: My husband of 10 years and I were married to other people when we met. We worked together, and over the course of two years formed a friendship, which evolved into romantic love. During that time we only shook hands. We hugged once.
We knew we wanted to be together, so we left our spouses and began our relationship (which, by the way, is very fulfilling and happy). Others have told us that we had an “emotional affair,” which is the same as if we had been sneaking around and sleeping together. I disagree.
What we did was very difficult. We put a lot of thought and agony into the choice we were about to make. Not only for ourselves but also for the partners we wanted to leave. Also, we were not sexually involved until we were separated. What are the defining rules that constitute affairs? — Finally Happy
Dear Finally: If you and your new husband didn’t have an emotional affair, then what else would you call it? You fell in love with each other while you were married, and you left your respective spouses for each other.
During the time you and your current husband were chastely agonizing over what to do about your relationship, surely you had many intimate talks during which you revealed your feelings to each other.
I assume you kept your relationship a secret from your spouses.
Intimacy is what defines a relationship, and when you are emotionally intimate with someone in ways you could or should be with your spouse, cutting your spouse out of your emotional life, then yes, you have breached the bond of your marriage.
It is commendable that you and your husband weren’t physically involved with each other while you were each still married to someone else, but that’s a fine distinction — certainly to the husband and wife you each left behind.
Dear Amy: I’m in my late 20s and have been dating a woman for about six months. For the most part, everything is great, and I could see us getting married some day.
The problem is she is still in contact with an ex, with whom she shares “custody” of a dog. She and her ex were together for two years and stopped dating two months before we met.
About once a month, they meet to take their dog on walks, and she contacts him via text a few times a week. She says he’s just a good friend, but the idea of her spending time with someone she dated for so long bothers me.
She agreed to talk and hang out with him less, and while their meetings have been less frequent, they are still meeting occasionally.
I don’t want to give her an ultimatum to choose between us, and it seems unfair to make her give up a friend. It’s just difficult to trust her (or more likely him) when they talk and hang out. — Confused
Dear Confused: Your girlfriend could allay your fears by inviting you along on one of her walks. If she shares custody of this dog, and you and she have been together for six months, it’s about time for you to meet the “family,” don’t you think? You should suggest an off-site visitation. Say, “Why don’t you ask your ex if he wants to bring ‘Muffin’ over here Saturday morning? We could grab a coffee and go to the dog park together.” This way you would be brought into the friendship, rather than worry about it in the abstract.
Your girlfriend’s reaction to this idea will tell you what you need to do next.
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