Dear Amy: I have a friend “Robert.” We’re in college. He has stuck with our group of four friends and has no desire to expand his social sphere.
The problem is that he focuses on only three people. Being one of those people, I often feel as if he invades my personal space — even more so because he has revealed that his feelings for me go beyond the platonic.
Robert stops by my dorm room at least three times a day, tries to make plans every night of the week and even schedules his classes around mine. I have told him to back off, but he seems completely and totally oblivious.— Freaked-out Friend
Dear Freaked: “Robert” might be a basically benevolent, clueless guy who doesn’t read social cues, but when you sign your letter “Freaked-out,” I take that seriously, and you should too.
You should tell him that his special attention makes you very uncomfortable and that you’d like it to stop. Tell him that you don’t want him to swing by your dorm room. If he can’t handle that, you’ve got a problem that you should take seriously.
Consider contacting campus security for advice and assistance. They should be put on notice that this is a potential problem that might require intervention if his attention escalates.
Friends respect one another’s personal space.
Dear Amy: This has happened to me twice and I’d like to know how to handle it because it seems to be a growing (tacky) trend: “Birthday Girl” invites a slew of friends to help her celebrate her birthday at big expensive restaurant. I order modestly so as not to take advantage of her generosity. Birthday Girl, however, orders many appetizers and expensive wines. When the bill comes, Birthday Girl clearly indicates that she expects us to pay for ourselves and her.
Money is tight now, if I wanted to pay for Birthday Girl’s special meal, I would pick a more reasonable place.— Stuck With the Bill
Dear Stuck: I agree that it is gauche for Birthday Girl to arrange and throw her own all-expenses-paid party at an expensive restaurant. But the solution is simple. In the future, say, “Oh, I’m so sorry but I can’t afford to go to a big expensive restaurant, so I’m going to have to pass.”
Dear Amy: I’m writing in response to the letter from “Troubled Wife,” who wants to tell her children that their father was previously married and divorced.
My mother was married for seven years; they had no children and divorced after she discovered he had been having an affair. My parents both passed away when I was a young adult.
Until I was almost 30, when my aunt slipped and told me, my aunts and uncles (17 all told) and cousins all knew about my mother’s previous marriage but kept the secret from me! My reaction when my aunt told me? Relief — a lot of little pieces fell into place — and disappointment that my parents had felt they couldn’t share this with me. I can’t help but wonder what else they kept from me. I totally agree with your advice to disclose this. It’s not necessary to be too dramatic about it. — Deb
Dear Deb: A previous marriage with no children is hardly the stuff of scandal these days. Not being too dramatic is the key.
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