Dear Amy: About a month ago, my partner and I let his sister and her daughter move into our home. Their home was flooded, so they needed a place to stay while their house was being repaired.
The problem I have is with the niece. She is 20 years old and does nothing all day but watch TV and chat online. When we get home, we have to cook dinner and clean the house.
My partner, his sister and I all work full-time jobs. We don’t ask them to pay any rent or utility bills. Is it too much to ask the niece to get the housework done while we work? When I talk to my partner about it, he tells me that his sister has never made his niece do any housework.
I feel as if that is a poor excuse. It’s as if she is 12 years old. Should I talk to her directly or speak to the sister? I’m worried that if I talk to the sister, then she will just start doing the housework herself, and she has a lot on her plate already.
Any advice? — Joe in Charlotte
Dear Joe: I agree with you that this young woman needs to get off the couch. You and your partner could start by talking directly to her. Let her know that you’d appreciate it if she pitched in to help the house run smoothly.
Say, “We expect you to help with the housework, and think it would be great if you did some of the food shopping and got dinner started for us when we come home.” If she needs ideas for meals, then give her some simple recipes for salads or the like.
Keep your tone neutral and positive, and convey to the young woman’s mother, if she gets involved, that you are confident that her daughter can meet your reasonable expectations and be a helpful and productive member of your household.
Dear Amy: I have been married for five years, and we have a wonderful daughter, who is 3 years old. My wife and my daughter are my life, and I consider myself a very happy man.
The other day, my wife left her e-mail account open, and I noticed an exchange of messages to and from a previous boyfriend of hers. This man cheated on her, then dumped her.
I learned that he e-mailed her one night when he was drunk. To my dismay, she replied to him in a very warm tone, encouraging him to get in touch more often. They have exchanged a few messages.
He is married, too, but along with exchanging information about mutual friends he also includes many compliments to my wife.
She replied to him, saying how happy she is that they are back in touch. Several times she encouraged him to keep writing.
I know that we all have a past, but in my opinion there is an honorable, responsible way to do things. If he wants to hear how she is doing, he should do it in the open, and his wife and I should be aware of it. I feel destroyed and emotionally betrayed.
Am I overreacting? — Devastated
Dear Devastated: You are correct that there is a “right” way to connect or reconnect with former lovers. Now you need to confess to your wife that you’ve read her correspondence and explain how you feel.
Even though the content of these messages sounds fairly benign, your feelings of betrayal and devastation illustrate how important transparency is between partners.
Give your wife an opportunity to see this from your point of view.
Tell her that if she wants to remain friends with this person, she should invite him and his wife to dinner so that you all can enjoy his company. Otherwise, she should leave this relationship where it belongs — in the past.
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