Dear Amy: I’ve been having very strong feelings about a man for six months. This man is a lot older than I am and is married. I’m a student at a high school, and he is a teacher.
I know this sounds so wrong, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I go through my day with him always in the back of my mind. When I’m in class with him, I know he’s looking at me, but I’m too scared to look back.
I don’t know his real feelings, but I want to.
I feel as if I’m in love, but how could I be when we haven’t even said anything to each other? I haven’t found one single guy that I’m attracted to besides him.
All my friends have crushes on guys in our age range.
I know I shouldn’t have a crush on an older, married man, but I just can’t stop thinking that we both feel the same way about each other.
How do I know if he feels the same way I feel? What should I do? — Shamelessly in Love
Dear Shamelessly: It isn’t that unusual to have a crush on your teacher, but I have to say in the strongest possible terms that you absolutely must get a handle on this. I realize that when an adult tells you that something is “inappropriate,” you may roll your eyes, but this situation has the potential to be quite damaging to both of you. This isn’t your fault, but managing this crush and getting over it are your responsibility.
Your teacher is an adult whose job is to teach. Your job is to manage your crush and work on getting over it.
You’re feeling overpowered by your emotions, but this teacher is absolutely off-limits for a whole host of reasons.
If you find that your feelings don’t fade, and if these thoughts are interfering with your ability to eat, sleep or enjoy your friendships, then you should find a trusted adult (not the object of your crush) to confide in.
Dear Amy: Years ago I held my tongue when a dear friend went into a disastrous marriage that ended with a great deal of emotional and financial pain. I saw clearly that it was a bad decision but said nothing beyond, “Are you sure?” I vowed not to be silent again in any similar situation.
Now, a cousin has finally been able to bring his mail-order fiancee to this country. They are not kids — he is 50, she is 35.
She is a lovely person and is entering this relationship with eyes open.
Unfortunately, I fear that she doesn’t realize what a weirdo my cousin is, and that the large social, cultural and religious differences between them may be insurmountable.
My cousin is not a bad guy. He is accomplished and respected nationally in his avocation, but he lacks the most basic social skills. He communicates through racist jokes and generally doesn’t know how to behave.
He has not made the most basic preparations for his fiancee’s entry into American culture. She comes from a large, close and loving family. Our family is not close.
Should I say something to the woman? — Rachel
Dear Rachel: If your cousin’s fiancee asks for your opinion of her choice, you should offer it. If your cousin’s behavior went beyond being a garden-variety weirdo and veered into the dangerous, you should inform his fiancee. You should do your utmost to offer this new bride your support and assistance as a family member. Beyond that, forever hold your peace.
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