Dear Amy: What is the appropriate way to handle canceling gift exchanges with our family members that we seldom see who live in various states?
We have been exchanging gifts for many years and since our children are much older we don’t want others to feel obligated to send gifts when financially it is more of a struggle for them.
How should we approach them to say that a holiday card is a great way to say hello and keep in touch? — A Far-Away Family
Dear Family: This is sticky, and the best way to handle it wouldn’t be to “cancel” the gift exchange, but suggest that it could “evolve.” As soon as you can, call or send an e-mail to family members and thank them sincerely for all of their memorable gifts over the years.
You might want to say, “You got us through the ‘Beanie Baby’ years and enlivened many Christmas mornings with your thoughtful gifts to us and the kids.” Then say, “We’re thinking that our gift exchange could evolve this year to an exchange of information and news of the family. We are conscious of the considerable effort and expense to give and send gifts and would welcome newsy letters or cards and photographs instead. Does this approach appeal to you?” Some people just can’t give up on gifting, and that’s fine. Make sure you thank them properly, and follow through on your promise by keeping in touch with a card or letter.
Dear Amy: I’m a 53-year- old divorced man who met a wonderful woman about seven months ago. Currently, I’m living alone but we have often talked about me moving in with her.
I have an apartment, and she has a home. Her total monthly debt is approximately $1,800. She has two children she receives child support for.
What do you think my contribution to the home should be? My friends and family say one-third. She wants half.
I do not want to insult her or have her think I’m cheap. — Wondering
Dear Wondering: You and your lady friend have to work this out between you, but my own view is that if you are about to enter the home as a full-fledged adult family member, your financial contribution to the household should be equal to hers.
This issue is one you must discuss at length before cohabiting and your ability to work this out well will have ramifications beyond this conversation and into the rest of your relationship.
Most important, you two need to come to terms with the impact your choice to cohabit will have on the children involved.
Send questions to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
