Dear Margo: I am writing to all the women who write to you saying their husbands lose all interest in sex after they marry. I had a similar experience 10 years ago. Prior to marriage, my fiance and I had sex about once a week, sometimes more, which was satisfying. Literally 24 hours after we married, he announced that he really wasn’t into sex and that once a month would be good for him. There had been telltale signs that I ignored. I was the one to always initiate sex, and it was always the same position, in a bed, in the dark. After going through counseling by myself (he refused counseling or a physical), I finally divorced him after 10 months of marriage. I later found out he primarily got married because it was rumored that he was gay. Well, sure enough, after the divorce I ran into an old acquaintance who informed me that my ex was living with another man. Something for women to think about if this sounds familiar. — Found Out the Hard Way
Dear Found: I always listen to the voice of experience. Your story is, unfortunately, more common than people are willing to admit. I am happy that you found your way out of the situation. — Margo, remedially
When to close the bank of mom and dad
Dear Margo: I am almost 10 years into a second marriage after 24 in my first. I was divorced and he was a widower. We have four kids — 28, 25, 25, 21. We raised them well, spent time with them, and they were all active in sports, school, church and scouting. We tried to give them good values and morals; however, the two older kids have become so disrespectful I don’t know what to do. My eldest girl, turning 26 this fall, has stopped calling me Mom in favor of my first name. She treats me with great disrespect. In one e-mail she is upbeat and kind; in the next, she’s horrid. (Her father is a borderline personality.) She has so much pent-up anger that she can’t communicate in a positive way. My hubby’s eldest, 28, the only boy, is now getting married after living with the mother of his 5-year-old child. He wants a huge celebration and cash from us. We offered to provide a dinner for 300. Nope, he wants cash. We are not selfish people. We took in a homeless family last year and helped them get back on their feet. If you need food, we’ll go to the grocery store. We give to everyone, including our kids, but we never give money. It’s time, talent or merchandise. They expect us to help them regardless of how they treat us. How do we get this realigned? — Disheartened
Dear Dis: You are a little late, but I suggest you get across to these demanding children that the Bank of Mom and Dad does not operate when it is treated with little respect. One would think that concept would have occurred to them, but apparently not. Parents do not “owe” grown children anything. Regarding your eldest daughter, it sounds as though she may have her father’s personality disorder. With her, you need to set boundaries, and when she is insulting, halt the communication and tell her you are not her piñata. Regarding your husband’s eldest son, be firm and simply state that your way does not involve cash gifts — period. With luck, these young adults will be shocked into more collegial behavior when they realize they can’t walk all over you. — Margo, challengingly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
