Dear Amy: Two years ago my son told me that he is gay. He is living with a partner in a house that they own.
I know he’s happy, and I’ve accepted that this is the way he needs to live his life.
The problem is that he has been unable to tell his father (my husband). I’ve encouraged my son to tell him, but he’s afraid of what his reaction will be.
My son feels that his relationship with his father is, right now, the best it has ever been, so he doesn’t want to mess that up. His father can be rather prejudiced, so I can’t reassure my son that he will react positively.
I’m really in the middle. I don’t feel as if I can tell my husband if my son isn’t ready for him to know. What can I do? — Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck: You believe that this is your son’s life — and his business — but it is surprising that you would agree to keep this disclosure from your husband for this length of time. I could imagine that your husband’s initial reaction would be to feel betrayed by both of you.
Your husband must be told. It’s that simple. You and your son should strategize on how best to do this — and steel yourselves to his reaction. Once you have this issue on the table, you can deal with the consequences.
The organization Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays has a very helpful website: . You should seek the support of other families who have faced this challenge.
Dear Amy: I found out that my ex-husband gave our 17-year-old son alcohol twice during the summer visitation time they have together.
At first, I called my ex to speak to him about our son’s attitude and drop in grades.
My ex said that he thought our son had been drinking with a friend who lives near my house. He also told me to check our son’s wallet to see if a condom was still in it.
I spoke to my son about the condom still in his wallet. My ex gave it to him. I asked if he had been drinking, and he said, “Just once with Dad.” I later listened to a phone conversation that he was having with his dad and heard that he actually drank quite a bit with his father.
I am disgusted and disappointed in his dad’s lack of parenting. I am sad that our son was actually tempted and too weak to say “no,” but can imagine that it was 100 times worse than peer pressure when your own dad sinks to this level.
I took our son’s phone away for two weeks and took his computer away for a month. I will not let him speak to his dad on the phone until his dad apologizes to him, and to me.
I will not let our son spend the night with his dad until his dad changes his parenting behavior in a significant way.
Maybe I should just report the abuse.
What else should I do? — Worried Mom
Dear Worried: I agree with your choice to discipline both your son and his father. Your son needs to take responsibility for his choice and understand why this was wrong. Until you can be assured that this won’t happen again, you should limit contact between them.
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