Dear Amy: What do you do if you’re in a fantastic relationship with a compatible and good person, but the timing is off? My boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s and have been dating for nearly four years.
For about a year I’ve been ready to think about taking our relationship further — and I would like to get married.
My boyfriend isn’t quite ready now and might not feel ready until after business school — three or four years from now.
I don’t know if I can wait to get married in my early 30s after eight or more years of dating.
If the timing were off by only a few months or even a year or two, I think we could handle it well — we have great communication. But how do you deal with reality and keep resentment and sadness at bay when it could end up being three or four years between when I was ready and when he will be? — Kelly in New York City
Dear Kelly: In my experience (and I have had this experience), if someone you’ve been with for several years says he’s not ready to get married — and doesn’t know when he might be ready — he’s really saying that he isn’t ready to get married — to you.
He might love you very much and be afraid of how this revelation would hurt you, or he may not know the source of his hesitation, but his hesitation is what you must pay attention to.
Don’t attempt to persuade or push him into marriage. You may think that the worst thing would be breaking up over this, when actually the worst thing that could happen would be you two marrying when, down deep, he doesn’t really want to.
Your options are limited to enjoying and accepting the relationship — as is — or ending it.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to the letter from “Shamelessly in Love,” the high school girl who had a huge crush on a teacher.
I, too, had a crush on a teacher in eighth grade. It is typical to idealize a person in power, but horrible for that person to exploit those feelings.
My teacher was married. He flirted with me and made me feel special.
Soon after I moved up to the high school, he got divorced and we became sexually involved. As a result, I was forced to lie to everyone who was important to me. I had to keep my feelings internalized, and I became alienated from all my family and friends.
My father, suspecting what was going on, went to the school, confronted this man and put an end to it. I now am 51 years old, and the shame of what I did still haunts me. I am fairly confident that this teacher genuinely did have feelings for me, but he used incredibly poor judgment in acting upon them. I know I’m also at fault.
I cannot tell you how negatively this has impacted my life. Because of all this, I ran away from home, used alcohol and drugs, engaged in risk-taking behaviors and felt suicidal. I thought I was an “adult” in a teen world.
I hope this young girl will not make the mistake I made. — Guilty
Dear Guilty: I hope you will get some therapeutic help to talk through your experience. You are so articulate and wise about what happened, but you can do more to heal yourself — even after all this time. You should also talk to your father about this — and thank him for his intervention. He’s a hero.
Dear Amy: Responding to the letters about people who fundraise for their kids at the office: At our office, people are considerate and just put the signup sheet and flier on the break room table. That way, whoever wants to can purchase what that parent’s child is selling.
There is never any pressure.
When I’m approached to purchase something, I just say, “I have six grandchildren and three nephews, and I just bought from them.” — Anonymous in Aurora
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