Dear Amy: I just got out of a very bad relationship. I was dating a man for 2 1/2 years who was physically and emotionally abusive.
I never thought that I would put up with this, but we had a daughter together and he had “changed” so I thought everything would be OK.
We finally ended things, but I still continued to allow him to spend time with our daughter, even though he didn’t contribute financially to her.
One day when we were supposed to spend some family time together, he snapped, beat me and robbed me at gunpoint, forcing me to withdraw $500 out of an ATM, not caring that that money was to go to our daughter, or that she was in the back seat.
I contacted the police, got a restraining order and full custody, and there is now a warrant out for his arrest. I have not heard from him in a few weeks.
My question to you is how do I explain to my daughter why her father is not in her life? She is only 19 months old, but she understood what was going on.
I know that this is for the best for her, and there are so many other people in her life that will be the father figure, but I still can’t help but feel guilty for “taking” her father away from her.
I know we are going to have that conversation one day, I just don’t know if I should tell her the truth.
On another note, I just want to tell everyone out there who is in an abusive relationship or suspects that someone they know is in one: Go get help. Call the police.
This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, but I feel if I hadn’t gone to the police that he would have killed me the next time. — Survivor
Dear Survivor: Do not have any unsupervised contact with this man — even if he contacts you.
You should find age-appropriate ways to explain this to your daughter as she grows and as her questions change.
You can answer any questions over the next couple of years by saying, “Your daddy couldn’t control his anger and we weren’t safe with him.” Some children who have this sort of loss at such a young age simply accept things as they are and show little curiosity later. Others seem to feel parental loss quite keenly and have many questions.
Give your girl tons of security, closeness and cuddles, and let her have adults in her life who will care about her and be hands-on and affectionate witnesses to her childhood.
I applaud your status as a survivor, your instincts as a mother, and I thank you for encouraging others in abusive relationships to seek help.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
