Dear Amy: My wife and I sponsored our son’s wedding a few years ago.
It was held overseas, and we paid for everything. We paid for a photography session that resulted in some wonderful high-quality wedding photos. One was a portrait of our son and his bride.
Just recently I brought the large portrait photo and frame back to their home in the States so the still-happy couple could hang it somewhere in their home. My daughter-in-law heard me reassembling the frame and asked what I was doing. When I told her, she said, “Oh, don’t bother. That (hanging the photo in their home) is not our style.”
After paying for the wedding, reception and photo sessions, I would have thought they would hang the photo in a prominent place in their new home (for which we also contributed the down payment).
“Not our style” was an unwelcome thanks for all we had done for these two, and it seems as if they do not know how to express gratitude, or perhaps are merely too selfish to understand what they were given.
Over to you, Amy. — Brian
Dear Brian: Providing a down payment on a home for your son and his wife does not then obligate the couple to furnish it according to your taste. It does, however, obligate them to express their gratitude to you. It doesn’t sound as if they have.
An appropriate response from you is not to insist that they place this photo in a prominent place, but to reconsider your generosity to them in the future.
Dear Amy: I don’t know how to cope with an annual problem at work. Every year, my employer finds a charity that employees are expected to donate cash or gift items to. These are well-run, legitimate charities.
Unfortunately, my own family’s financial situation makes such donations problematic. My spouse recently lost his job. I’m still paying off student loans and trying to nurse an aging car into lasting just a little longer. My insurance expenses are up, and we are doing without.
Last year my employer adopted a needy family. I bought them some necessities. However, among the suggested gift items were many things that my family and I do without: DVDs, digital cameras, cellphones and video games.
The person in charge of the program is a horribly insensitive woman who has, in the past, berated employees for being stingy about not joining group lunches, after-work social hours and for not contributing sufficiently for gifts for employees. She is quite well-paid and has a spouse who is also quite well-paid. I don’t think she has any idea about how hard it is for other people to make ends meet.
I hate feeling so stingy, but I also hate feeling pressured. Any thoughts? — Grinch
Dear Grinch: Not being able to afford to donate much doesn’t make you a Grinch. But pressuring employees to give more than they can safely afford does make your employer one. Your first job is to provide for yourself and your family. Your certitude about this will help you deal with your employer.
You can say, “I appreciate this effort, but I’m doing all I can to keep my own head above water. I’m sorry if this is disappointing, but it’s the best I can do.” If this insensitive person punishes you professionally, you should take your concerns to her supervisor or the human resources department at your workplace, if you have one.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
