Dear Amy: For several years, my husband has attended a “boys” golf weekend and other outings with a group of men in their 50s and 60s with whom he has worked for many years; the trips and all of their activities are planned by other individuals.
Until recently, I have always been supportive of my husband’s opportunity to relax and spend time with his buddies, especially since I, too, get away with my friends.
By accident, I learned that part of these activities have included visiting a strip club, where some of the men in the group would get “lap dances.” I did not know about this for many years. I felt that my husband had been deceitful and had let me naively believe that the trips were about being with buddies.
He swore to me that he did not participate in lap dances, although he said some of the other men did. I was disappointed and hurt, but I believed my husband.
If he were to plan a golf trip, I am almost certain that a strip club would not be on the list of possible activities. He went along with the crowd.
In expressing my feelings, I told him that his going to the strip clubs made me feel disrespected.
He feels that I should not be upset or distrustful because he does not participate in the questionable behaviors.
I, however, now feel uncomfortable about his being with this group of men.
I feel that my husband has been sneaky. By condoning some of the other guys’ behaviors, he has lowered his standards and opened himself up for “guilt by association.” According to him, what they do has nothing to do with him.
Am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about his attending functions with these men? — Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: Your husband says that what the other guys do has nothing to do with him. He also indicates that what they do influences his choices because he goes along with them to strip clubs, when otherwise he wouldn’t.
Your husband is not a little boy, jumping off the shed roof because his best friend does it. He is a grown man, hiding behind the objectionable choices of his buddies and using this to justify his own behavior.
Give your husband a gold star for not participating in lap dances, and then ask him to be a grown-up and resist the idiotic peer pressure to engage in an activity that objectifies women and disrespects your relationship.
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