Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I are in our mid-40s. We have been living together for more than two years. I came out of an 18-year marriage, and he has never been married.
Overall, we are very compatible and get along great. Our issue is that he insists on keeping all of his former lovers in his life. He says there is no distinction between his friendship with these women and his male friends. I have no problem with his having female friends, but I can’t help but notice that he has slept with virtually all of his female friends. He says I should trust him.
We see these women at social functions and have been to their homes. They call, text and e-mail him.
Some have been outright rude to me, made sexual advances toward him in my presence and engaged in sexually laced banter with him, also in my presence. He says that as long as he isn’t planning on sleeping with them, I should be fine with this.
I am very uncomfortable with this and have repeatedly said so. I told him I don’t hang onto my past boyfriends.
We visited a therapist over this issue for several months, and he disagreed with the therapist’s view that this erodes our relationship.
He feels I am out of line and insecure.
Do I have a valid gripe? — Hurting
Dear Hurting: I agree with your therapist that you have a valid gripe. Your guy has rejected your views, your therapist’s views and will no doubt reject my views.
It should be obvious that you and your guy have radically different beliefs about how to be in an exclusive relationship. He has made it crystal clear that he doesn’t intend to give up on his friendships with his former sex partners. Furthermore, he erodes your self-esteem by blaming your insecurity for the problems you are having in the relationship.
You get to decide what will happen next. If this situation is intolerable, then you should consider becoming another of your guy’s former girlfriends.
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