Dear Margo: I have been dating the same guy for a little more than a year. I am happy with our relationship except for one thing: He wants to keep us a secret. He thinks my friends and family don’t know, when in reality they do. He says he doesn’t tell his friends or family, but I don’t believe this is entirely true because I have met a few of his relatives, although not as anything more than a friend. He says he is not ready for anything serious, that he’s been hurt and doesn’t think it necessary for anyone to know about what we have. I just want to be able to be seen with him and not have to always pretend he is just a friend. How can I make him understand this? I have tried telling him, but he is stubborn and I am not very forceful. Am I single or taken? — Miss P. in San Francisco
Dear Miss: You are … patient. This has been going on for a year? Is this chap, uh, married? I can’t think of another legitimate reason for his not wishing to be seen with you and pretending you are a platonic friend when you are seen together. You might tell him that unless you are sporting an engagement ring no one will make any assumptions other than that you two are on a date. Even guys who have been hurt and are “not ready for anything serious” go out on dates. And I don’t think I’ve ever heard any man say, upon bumping into a friend, “Hello, this is just a friend,” or “Hi there. We’re romantically involved.” Introducing you by name will do just fine. If you’re really sick of this routine (and who could blame you?) try this approach: Tell Mr. Nervous that unless he can behave like a grown-up single man, you are going to revert to being just a platonic friend. Get my drift? — Margo, determinedly
Deep-Kissing Cousins
Dear Margo: I recently met my first cousin for the first time. We are both in our late 40s. Our families did not have any contact over the years because our parents weren’t speaking (no one seems to know why). We started talking on the phone and have become best friends. We have come to love each other and would like to spend the rest of our lives together. How can we best talk to the family members who seem to take issue with our being cousins? We are not planning on having children or even marrying, for that matter. The other concern is finances. I am financially comfortable, while my cousin is not as stable due to debts incurred while married. We’ve talked about living together because we feel lost without each other, and it would also help both of us to split expenses. We are not planning on moving in together for about six months because one of us will need to relocate. Either way, we don’t want our families to shun us just because we are in love. — Glenda
Dear Glen: Because you two did not even grow up together and have no desire for children, I’m having trouble seeing why family members disapprove. First cousins do marry, and in many cases their children are perfectly normal, although sometimes not. If benighted family members view your relationship as some kind of incest, I doubt that the facts would even register. I would hunt up an article on the subject and send it to the people with “issues.” I hope you will not change your plans because of some relatives’ erroneous notions. — Margo, factually
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
