Dear Amy: My 25-year-old daughter has two children and is married to a controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive man without an honest job.
Unfortunately she believes most of her husband’s lies, schemes and promises of making it big someday. She has spent a year in therapy at my expense to get on the right track.
She now has a part-time job to provide at least a little money and health insurance for herself and her children.
She told everyone she was attending community college to make something of herself and get on her feet. I just found out that she failed one class and withdrew from the rest.
My heart is broken with worry and shame for her.
Do I distance myself from this mess or continue to push her into leading a productive, honest life? I am very depressed to see the choices she is making. — Sad Mother
Dear Sad: If your daughter is continuing with therapy and sticking with her job, you should consider your efforts to mentor her a qualified success.
Your daughter might not be able to manage college, and she might not ever be able to succeed in this arena. Or she might be overwhelmed and may need to take some more time before she attempts college again.
Your shame over her failure will not help her, so keep your reaction to yourself.
All of your efforts should be to encourage your daughter to take good care of herself and her children. You can hope that as she makes small and successful steps she will eventually distance herself from someone who sounds like a menace.
Dear Amy: I am 65 and have been widowed for 10 years. A year ago I met a man I had known in high school. We e-mailed and talked by phone for several months, and then he came to where I live, and after a few dates, he proposed and I said yes. He will move in with me soon, and then we will get married.
My son and daughter are very upset. They think we are moving too fast.
My fiance is estranged from his children and his mother, and he wants to be a priority in my life or else he doesn’t want to be with me.
Because of this, I told my kids that I wouldn’t be as available to them anymore because my fiance has to come first.
That was six months ago, and I haven’t spoken to my kids or grandkids since. They have stopped calling me, so I took them out of my will. Now I’m leaving everything to my fiance.
My fiance also wants me to sell my car and buy a cheaper one and move out of state after we get married. I love my fiance, and I don’t want to lose him, but it seems I can’t have both him and my family.
Am I the problem? Are my kids overreacting? What do you think of this mess? — Going Crazy in California
Dear Crazy: If one of your children presented you with this scenario, what would you think? I assume you would be very upset.
No one who really loves you would demand that you turn your life upside down and dump your family to be with him.
Your fiance is estranged from everyone but you. He is controlling your every move and isolating you from loved ones. He displays the classic signs of an abuser.
Come to your senses before it’s too late.
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