Dear Amy: My two children recently performed at church with the youth choir.
My 5-year-old son, who is very animated, was in the front row, so most of the congregation could see him.
My 8-year-old daughter, who is quiet, was two rows away and also sang.
After the performance, many members of the congregation told my son he did a great job but didn’t say anything to my daughter, who was standing next to him while he received the compliments.
This isn’t the first time this has happened to my daughter. She is the middle child and often just blends into the background.
What is the best way to let others know that they are slighting my daughter? — Heather in Kansas
Dear Heather: This social slight didn’t “happen to” your daughter — your youngest son happened to your daughter, and his adorableness will be her cross to bear for some time to come.
People can be thoughtless when dealing with siblings. They will compliment or compare siblings without regard to how these comparisons might feel.
You could deal with this by asking your daughter, “Your little brother is pretty cute, right? He’s like a puppy sometimes and so people notice him. How do you feel when that happens?” You should tell her, “You’re quieter than Jimmy, but I always notice you. You are good, kind and sweet, and everybody who knows you sees this.” You should also match your girl with activities that suit her, taking her out of her brother’s charm-orbit.
When my daughter was your child’s age, we joined a mother-daughter book club, and that was a great experience for a quiet girl and her mom to share.
Dear Amy: About six months ago, my sister died suddenly in her early 50s. My other sister and I were devastated, but, as her closest family members, our immediate task was to take care of her affairs and distribute her belongings (our parents are gone, and she was single).
Our two aunts each sent us a check for $1,000 to help pay for the memorial service and other expenses. This money was quite a help and very much appreciated, and we wrote our aunts thank-you notes at the time.
Now, several months later, our sister’s house has been sold, and we have split the proceeds from that sale.
Should we return our aunts’ money? Were their checks gifts or were they loans to help us in a time of need? I know that they both felt that this was one thing they could do to help during a time that we were in terrible pain. I am afraid that they would be insulted if we returned their money — they are both financially comfortable.
I know if we asked them, they would say, “No, it was a gift!” — Mourning
Dear Mourning: The best way to handle this might be to do what you think your sister would want you to do.
For instance, you could send checks to your aunts with a note, saying, “Betsy and I are eternally grateful for your generosity at our time of grief and need; we truly couldn’t have managed without you. Now that “Carol’s” house has been sold, we are able to repay you, and we feel this is what Carol would have wanted us to do. You were so important to her, and your presence in our lives is even dearer to us now that she is gone.” Your aunts may choose to keep the money. They may send the checks back to you, saying the money was a gift — or they may choose to donate this amount to a cause in your sister’s name.
Dear Amy: Your response to “Brokenhearted” was right on the mark when you suggested that she have her husband tested for dementia-related illness. My husband is in his 50s and about three years ago started repeating things he had just said.
I forced him to go to my doctor because he wouldn’t go himself, and he was angry with me. My doctor referred us to a neurologist, and our first appointment is next week. After filling out a behavior survey about my husband, I now realize that so many of these behaviors have been occurring over the past three years but just get lost in the daily events of our lives. I didn’t believe at first that this could be a problem because of his age, but I was wrong. — Scared But Informed
Dear Scared: Thank you for telling your story. Readers should know that personality and memory changes can be symptoms of illness.
Good luck to your husband — and to you.
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