Fourth in a series
Twelve guests are due for a sit-down dinner in four hours. My dining room is a shambles. Furniture’s shoved out. Drapes are down. An extension ladder is up, and two faux artists are putting a coat of caramel glaze on the walls and ceiling. We’re at the faux finish line of a two-week wall decor project, and I’m in a tizz. We aimed to finish the room for my New Year’s Eve dinner party, but at this rate, guests will dine on their laps.
Meanwhile, my family — as payback for two weeks of neglect — is finding perverse joy in the corner I’ve painted myself into.
“Look at this place!” I say.
“Watch out,” the oldest warns her father and sister. “Mom’s in one of her states.”
“You wanted a New Year’s Eve party,” my husband, Dan, points out.
“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”
“You could have waited until after the holidays to paint,” says the youngest.
“Can’t any of you offer a shred of sympathy?” I plead.
The dogs whine on cue.
“Another day at home with Marni Jameson,” scoffs the eldest, rubbing in the obvious burn that because I’m a home-design columnist, all my home projects should go swimmingly.
Once again, I’m hoisted by my own petard. I flash back to advice I’ve dished in past columns: “When hosting a dinner party, do all the preparation you can, including setting the table, the night before.” Hah, hah, hah.
I grab a faux brush and set to work. Decorative artist Jade Wieland, owner of The Stencil & Faux Shoppe in Denver and director of this project, instructs me to relax and apply glaze in loose Zen-like circles. As I work, I start doing mental math: If we finish painting in 30 minutes, then I’ll need one hour to re-hang drapes and put furniture back, another hour to set the table, prepare the centerpiece, stage the house and ice the champagne. That leaves two hours to prepare food, take a shower, do my nails, change outfits three times, and . . . I’m hyperventilating.
Wieland sees I’m rubbing my paintbrush so vigorously in one place I’m wearing a hole in the drywall. “We’ll take it from here, Marni,” she says, relieving me of my brush.
I disappear into the kitchen and try to forget the state of my dining room. An hour later, Wieland comes in and takes my hand. “Close your eyes,” she says, and leads me to the room. “Now open.”
I scream, a good scream, a having-your-raffle- number-called scream. The long days spent painting, fretting, stenciling, scarfing fast food off newspaper, plastering, ignoring my family and faux finishing have converged — beautifully.
As guests arrive, I take their coats, hand them a glass of champagne and wait for them to notice the dining room. They don’t. They head to the kitchen. I’ve accepted that no one will notice. But, as we gather around the table, one observes, “I love your walls. Did you change them?”
I resist the urge to kiss her and wave my hand. “Oh you mean the paint job? We did that a while ago.”
Other guests look the room over and comment favorably on the stenciled ceiling and walls. I continue to feign nonchalance, but pride blossoms inside me like fireworks. Dan shakes his head.
I raise my glass: “Cheers, everyone. May all your house dreams come true.”
Syndicated columnist Marni Jameson is the author of “The House Always Wins” (Da Capo), available through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You may contact her through .
When glazing over is a good thing
Faux color washes can go on walls alone or over decorative effects, like stencils or plaster details. Either way, here are Jade Wieland’s tips for choosing and applying faux finish:
Where: Faux finishing works in any home. Just be sure the technique suits the architecture: A mottled antique application works in Old World homes, and linear or geometric treatments go well in contemporary spaces. Don’t forget ceilings and floors.
What: Success depends as much on what you put on the walls as how. Start with a good base coat of paint. Then choose either a colored glaze, a scumble (another color- wash product), or a metallic sheen. Buy professional-grade products available through faux-finish stores. Better products have more “open time” (the time you have to smear the paint around) making application easier. If mixing your own glaze or scumble, use one part paint to four to six parts finish — or get a premixed product. Test combinations on small boards, then on an inconspicuous part of the wall, to be sure the chemistry works.
How: Depending on the texture you want, you can apply the finish with rags, cheesecloth, linen, feather dusters, sponges, chamois, paper towels or many other household items. At my house, Wieland applied glaze with a brush called a Leon Neon, a round, soft brush, the size of a hamburger bun, with 2-inch bristles. She rolled on the premixed glaze with a 4-inch roller in a loose zigzag pattern, then brushed over it, rubbing in circles, to create a mottled effect.
Who: Before you start slapping up a faux finish, consider hiring a pro, or at least learning from one. Paint stores often promise that anyone can apply faux finishes. True — but nothing screams amateur louder than a bad faux job.
Warning: Once you go faux in one room, neighboring rooms can look drab by comparison. Now that my dining room is faux-lovely, my entryway looks bleaker than ever.
