We need not look far to find horror stories about parents’ overt physical and emotional reactions to decisions and events in our schools.
These tirades are often ill-timed, embarrassing, and even life-threatening.
In the final analysis, these types of occurrences can usurp most of a principal’s day, render too many sleepless nights, and thus beg the question about parents, “Who needs them anyway?”
Principals face an infinite number of challenges daily in their schools.
The Educational Research Service Educator ap Poll (Elam, Rose,& Gallup 1991) asks principals on a regular basis to rank problems they encounter daily on the basis of severity. Listed second only to lack of financial support was inadequate interest and involvement of parents.
There are those who say that we are the professionals with the expertise to educate children, and parents ought to trust us to do so without micro-managing a profession they know little about.
Others will agree with parents even to the detriment of the child and their teacher if it will keep them away from the superintendent and the school board.
I along with a growing number of administrators believe we can have it both ways by first understanding who parents are and what they really need from their child’s school.
Harry Belafonte and Marlo Thomas said it best in the song, “Parents Are People” (Rutherford 2002). They are people who have children which is a major test with little time to practice.
Parents, not unlike their children, need support in order to learn and in spite of some gallant attempts at parenting manage do many things wrong.
We, as educators, cannot give parenting advice but can offer suggestions of what parents can do at home to help us to assist their children in doing better at school (Rutherford 2002).
We can begin by establishing a climate that allows parents and community members to feel welcome, Carol Batey, suggests in her book, “Parents Are lifesavers.”
Many options we all know but might not take the time to practice such as smiles from principals and staff members even on those days where there is little to smile about, removing fear and intimidation by eliminating the stereotypical attitudes of “I’m the boss you are just the parent.”
And also we can make space available for parents to meet with other parents and to occupy pre-schoolers, donuts for dad, in addition to many other opportunities that are only limited by one’s imagination.
As a middle school principal, I handed out my business card at every opportunity asking parents to contact me personally if the need arose.
If they exchanged theirs with mine I would enter them in a weekly drawing for lunch with the principal.
Needless to say, the meal wasn’t always an event to look forward to but the conversation certainly was.
This was an excellent opportunity to ask parents what they needed from their school, what we could do for them and their family. This type of conversation is a key element in developing lasting positive relationships with parents.
Many of our parents are working long hours just to put food on the table. They arrive home, hopefully prepare some type of meal for their family, maybe ensure that homework is at least begun, and prepare for bed that night, and work the following day.
We asked the parents in our district what we could do for them. Their reply constituted the beginning of a “Food for Thought” program where we serve dinner to our parents and their families in many of our schools and encourage quality discussion with their child about their learning needs and accomplishments.
Following dinner, teachers provide instruction to parents on how they can help their children at home to do better in school. Their children are involved in constructive learning activities while their parents are learning.
Families leave with a learning contract, coupons to local stores to help them put food on the table, and a leveled book for their child to keep and read at home.
We partner with The Department of Human Services with Food For Thought so many of their staff members are available to support families as well.
We, in a district of over 21,000 students, involved over 4000 parents annually with this program.
Listening is a vital skill in any relationship and especially important in discussions with parents who drop by the school office to address an issue.
In many instances, by the time the parent shows up at school, the principal is already aware of the situation and has a resolution in mind.
They often have more than a few parent issues to deal with daily and hope that by doing a little proactive homework they can save time and dismiss the parent following a very brief visit. Not often the case!
Parents want primarily just to be listened to. If they feel that the principal did not have time to listen to them and take their problem seriously, they will go to someone who does, typically the superintendent or members of the school board during an open meeting.
Mickey Connolly and Dr. Richard Rianoshek in “The Communication Catalyst (2002)” describe in their “Cycle of Value” a useful process not only setting the stage for listening, but bringing the problem to resolution.
An easy way to remember the process is to think of it as the Four A’s which stand for awareness, alignment, action, and adjustment.
Begin by listening as long as it takes to become aware of the problem. Often, listening long enough, elicits hidden agendas that add relevance to the issue at hand.
The next step is to align your thinking or find some commonality with the parent. For example, you both want their child to receive the best education. Then, develop an action plan with everyone sharing the responsibility including the student for their learning.
Finally, meet periodically to check on the plan and make necessary adjustments. Here, if the plan is not working, it’s easy to discover who dropped the ball and what needs to be done as a result. This Four A process can work consistently well with principals and at the central office level.
Even if you have done your research and have, in your belief, the best solution to the problem before sitting down with the parent, sit down anyway and listen carefully.
Explain to them after listening that you are going to take some time to look into the problem, give it some thought, and will be back in touch with them by day’s end tomorrow.
Even if you come back with the same plan as in the initial meeting, the parent will feel that the principal listened and took their concerns seriously.
Who knows, you might learn something new that could be helpful. This time spent up front can save an enormous amount of time and anguish in the future.
I’ve had the opportunity to work with administrators who were exceptionally good principals who for a variety of reasons, did not take the time to listen to that one parent, who, as a result, enlisted other parents to attend school board meetings, met with me and the superintendent, and any other community and faculty group that would listen.
What could easily have been two meetings with only one parent and a principal turned out to be over thirty meetings with prolonged extenuating issues lasting for six months.
These were not good situations for the principals and a lot of unnecessary tension and angst was created among students and staff with a loss of real focus on students and learning.
Do we need parents?
They send us children with wonderful potential who are the real reason we get to wake up and go to work each morning.
The proper response to parents is a proactive one that begins with listening and results in a positive and beneficial partnership.
Like it or not, they will become involved and it could be to our benefit or detriment.
This partnership, according to Robert Marzano (2003) emphasizes parent involvement as the third most important factor in producing schools that don’t just work but that work remarkably well.
Therefore, as principals, we cannot ignore parent’s attempts for, or the necessity of, their involvement in our schools.
Rudy F. Malesich is vice president of an educational consulting firm called Leader’s Edge Network and an adjunct faculty member of Colorado Christian University in Grand Junction Colorado. EDITOR’S NOTE: This online-only guest commentary has not been edited. Guest commentary submissions of up to 650 words may be sent to openforum@denverpost.com.
