I am hanging drapery hardware by myself, and it’s my fault. I can’t ask my husband to help, because I’m not speaking to him.
See, a few days ago, Dan walked into my home office while I was on deadline, and asked, “Would you take a minute to edit this letter?”
In the world of minor marital frictions, this rubbed. It wasn’t the editing part I minded, it was the minute part. He thinks I can write my column while pumping gas and edit a letter while boiling tea water. I stiffened and replied, “Sure, but it won’t take a minute, it will take 30 minutes, so leave it on my desk and I’ll get to it later.”
That wasn’t the answer he wanted.
Payback came a couple of days later when I asked Dan if he had 20 minutes to help me hang a drapery rod. He, now well trained in the art of relationship chess, said, “It won’t take 20 minutes. It will take two hours, which I don’t have right now. I can help you this weekend.”
Grrrr, I growled. Then set out to prove I could do this job in under half an hour. I hauled out the tools, and teetered up the ladder in my high-heeled boots. I figured if I looked pathetic enough, Dan would take over. He didn’t fall for that. Instead, he vanished. From the front window where I was working, I saw him drive off! The nerve! What could be more important than hanging my drape hardware?
Meanwhile, from atop the ladder, I measured, centered, leveled, marked and drilled. The pencil, tape measure, hammer and screwdriver all had lipstick on them from holding them in my teeth. I tacked one bracket to the wall, pinning it dead center, and then two more, 3 feet away on either side. I’d spent an hour and a half, but who was counting?
Next, I set the 12-foot wooden curtain rod on the mounted brackets. The rod was actually four 3-foot pieces of rod fastened together with bushings by yours truly. Not a pretty process. I slid two tapestry drapery panels on each end, hoisted the draped rod up over my head like a barbell, and clambered back up the ladder. I had a brief, vindicating vision of Dan coming home and finding me unconscious on the floor, which felt good somehow. I set the rod on the brackets, stood back to admire, and . . . uh-oh. Under the drapes’ weight, the rod dipped on either side.
I broke down and read the instructions. In that order. In them, it said that for a rod this long, I needed five, not three brackets. I needed two more at the finial ends.
Grrrr. I raced to the store, hoping to have this fixed before Dan returned and saw the mess I was in. As I attached the fourth bracket, Dan came home, looked at me, then at his watch. Three hours. He stayed wisely silent, and had the good sense not to point out that the rod was bowing, or I might have clobbered him with it.
I mounted the fifth bracket, and hung the drapes. OK, so it took four hours, not 20 minutes, but I felt satisfied.
Next time, however, I’ll just edit the darn letter.
Syndicated columnist Marni Jameson is the author of “The House Always Wins” (Da Capo), available through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. You may contact her through .
Hanging drapes like a pro
Tim Houston, owner of Precision Installations of Littleton, has been installing drapes for 25 years. “Basically, I keep marriages together,” he said. I asked him to share the most common mistakes people make when hanging drapes and how to hang them like a pro:
Get the right parts. Unless you’re hanging a light sheer panel or stationary drapes that you’ll never move, toss the mounting screws that came with your rods and use heavier-duty toggle or molly bolts to anchor rods and brackets to walls. Smaller screws can rip out of sheetrock under the tension of working drapes, or when kids swing on drapes like apes.
Know what’s behind your wall. Before drilling through your sheetrock, tap a thin exploratory nail right where you plan to drill. This lets you know — before you break your drill bit — whether you’re about to hit brick or steel. You can also use an awl for this test.
Measure the direction that matters. Few ceilings are perfectly parallel to their floors. To be sure drapes look even when hanging panels that go to the floor, measure from the floor up to locate where the rod should go. (When installing a valance, measure from the ceiling down.)
Factor in headers. If you have 84-inch panels, don’t hang your rod 84 inches off the floor; adjust for the drapes’ top treatment. If your drapes attach to rings, mount the rod higher than if the drapes slide over a rod. In the first case, allow 84 1/2 inches from the floor to the bottom of the rings. In the second case, allow 84 1/2 inches from the floor to the top of the rod. The half-inch is for floor clearance (unless you want drapes that puddle and you’re one of the people who can see why this look became popular). Try to place rods at least 4 inches above window moldings.
Cover splices. To hide rod connections, put a bracket at every place where rods join. Space these joins so they center over the window and fall evenly.
Consider hiring a pro. You’ll likely save time, grief, trips to the hardware store and an argument.
