Dear Amy: I am 28 years old and had my first baby (a beautiful little girl) four months ago. When I was 10 years old, my father sexually abused me. I told the authorities, and he was convicted and sent to prison for five years.
My mother divorced my father while he was in prison, but evidently she never stopped loving him. I have not spoken to my father since I was 10.
My two sisters and mother continue to see him and talk to him on a regular basis (my oldest sister was also abused by my father but for some reason is able to be around him).
About three years ago my mother told me that she continues to have a sexual relationship with my father. I told her that I did not want to be around her anymore. This estrangement lasted until my baby was born, when I decided to let her see and get to know her grandchild.
During the first few weeks it was OK seeing my mom, but now each time she comes to my house, I want to yell and scream at her.
I don’t want anybody who is in contact with my father to touch my daughter. I am seeing a counselor about this, but I am stuck.
I want to kick my mother and sisters out of my life. Knowing that they are maintaining relationships with my father, who is a convicted child molester, is so hurtful. But is it right to keep these women away from my child? Will I be wrongly denying my baby her grandmother and two aunts? My husband is in favor of cutting ties because of how painful this is for me. Our baby will still have her large paternal family. I don’t know what to do. — Waiting and Wondering
Dear Waiting: If contact between your baby and your mother and sisters makes your skin crawl, then don’t allow it — certainly for now. Whether your daughter will suffer from the lack of contact depends on you.
Families come in all shapes and configurations. You and your husband’s attitude, emotions and sense of balance about relationships will influence your daughter’s emotional health. Your own suffering is still the primary reason to continue to try to resolve this.
Your counselor may think it would be helpful for you to invite your mother and sisters into some sessions along with you.
Reconciliation should be your ultimate goal, but only if you are absolutely ready.
Dear Amy: My husband and I are in our second marriages due to the deaths of our spouses from cancer.
We are soon to celebrate another anniversary, but our marriage seems like a farce. This man whom I was crazy about and thought felt the same way about me has turned into a very unaffectionate bump on a log.
Our sex life is next to nonexistent; he no longer ever reaches out to hold my hand or compliments me — other than occasionally commenting that he liked dinner.
He says he doesn’t want to go to a counselor, and I know that he is content with things the way they are, but I’m miserable.
What should I do? — Sad Wife
Dear Sad: Just because he isn’t doing anything to affect his situation doesn’t mean he’s happy with it.
If he has changed, then something is going on. He might be impotent. He may be depressed, stressed or have another health issue.
Urge your husband to see his doctor. Counseling could help both of you deal with your feelings and frustrations, as well as the grief over the deaths of your spouses.
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