Dear Amy: My husband’s daughter and her friends followed us (in her father’s car) to a college game this past weekend.
He told his daughter they could stay an extra hour after the game, and then they needed to drive back home.
On our drive home she phoned him to tell him that she was spending the night with a friend (she is 17). He told her “no” and said that she needed to come home. She didn’t come home until the next morning.
My husband said there would be consequences for this blatant act of disobeying, but he never follows through. She knows from past experiences that there is always “talk” of punishments but nothing ever takes place.
I don’t blame her for figuring this out — it is his fault that she knows she can pretty much get away with anything.
My problem is how I am starting to feel about my husband. When I witness his coddling reactions to her disrespect, I’m screaming at him in my head, “Wimp, wuss! No wonder your kids have no respect for you!”
I end up saying things that are only going to hurt our relationship. How do I not lose respect for my husband? — Not So Silent Partner
Dear Partner: It is not too late to change the balance of power between your husband and stepdaughter. Every small change he makes in his behavior will result in a small difference in hers. For instance, the next time the daughter takes the family car and doesn’t return home when she is supposed to, then your husband can simply take the keys and tell her that in the future, if she needs to go somewhere she’ll have to ask for a ride, and if she’s lucky, she’ll get one.
If your husband is unable or unwilling to develop this very basic parenting skill, then his daughter will continue to run the household.
You are correct to keep the screaming about your husband’s parenting in your head. You should also more carefully modulate the things you do say.
This situation will swallow your relationship if you two aren’t able to make some changes. You could start by saying during a calm and private moment, “Honey, I’d like to help. Do you think there are things we could do differently?” You two should sit down with a counselor, agree on a parenting plan for the kids, and start to parent them as a team. If you do, your relationship will strengthen, and your kids will feel more secure in your role (and theirs), and alter their behavior accordingly.
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