Dear Amy: I am one of seven children, all of whom are over the age of 40. My older brother sexually molested me as a child over a long period. I really want to have nothing to do with this brother. I am polite when forced into a meeting with him (at family gatherings, etc.) but have no wish to have any relationship with him beyond that.
When he calls, I don’t answer the phone, and when he’s in town, I make excuses not to see him.
Besides my feelings about the past, he is continually trying to borrow money from me, and I really don’t have the desire or energy to deal with him. The rest of my family insists that I should just get over the past and learn to relate to him as an adult (although none of them is fond of him, either).
I always respond that I will think about it, and then I put it out of my mind until someone brings it up again.
My position is that I was the victim and I get to choose how to deal with this brother. My counselor agrees and has told me I am dealing with this appropriately. The rest of my family has no need to know I’m in counseling, but they sure are pushy in telling me how to deal with my brother. How do I get them off this subject? — Sad Sister
Dear Sister: Your siblings insist that you “learn to relate” to your brother as an adult, but it seems you have learned how to relate to him. Your choice is to relate to him as little as possible.
You are absolutely correct that, as the victim, you should choose how to deal with this brother. The counseling you are receiving should lead you to a place where you feel reconciled with the past, if not with your brother — and forgiveness should be one goal, whether or not you choose to have a relationship with him.
The next time family members push you to reconcile with this brother, you could ask them why this is so important to them. Then you could tell them, “I honestly have no motivation to have a relationship with him, but if I ever change my mind, I’ll let you know.”
Dear Amy: I have been following the discussion about saying grace at the table — and what is appropriate for guests and hosts of different religions.
When I was a child, I ate at a friend’s house, then went home and asked my parents what they were saying before dinner, as we didn’t say grace before dinner.
My friend’s family said grace in the name of the Trinity, which my parents also had to explain to me.
They told me that the host’s customs around saying grace, or lack thereof, determined what customs were followed.
Certainly, it would be gracious to offer the opportunity for a moment of silence for those who say grace when they are present in a house that does not do so, but the rules of courtesy dictate that the host’s customs should be followed, and I’ve never heard anyone other than yourself suggest that those who don’t follow their guests’ customs should adopt them. Guests should adopt their hosts’ customs and, if necessary, say grace in silence without calling attention to the fact. — Karen in Denver
Dear Karen: You make an excellent point — that guests who visit homes should follow the practices of the host.
I have been trying to urge hosts to also respect and/or tolerate the practices of their guests, and if guests ask for the opportunity to pray, they should be permitted to do so.
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