Dear Amy: My husband and I were married two years ago. He has a boy (14) and a girl (9) from his first marriage, and I have a boy (10) and a girl (13) from mine.
We have a wonderful, cohesive family and have avoided many of the problems associated with blended families.
The problem is my husband’s mother, who lives 30 minutes away. She gives presents to all the kids, but gives four times as much to her biological grandchildren. The presents are opened in front of everyone, so my biological children see the disparity. She doesn’t try to hide this at all.
Sometimes, her biological grandchildren get three or four presents and money, and the others just receive one. She acknowledges her biological grandchildren’s birthdays generously, but not the others’ birthdays — even though she knows their birth dates.
Other than the gift issue, our relationship is good.
Last year, my husband asked his mom to either give the kids gifts of relatively equal value, or just send each a card. He explained that he wanted her to treat all the kids equally. She responded with anger and said that he didn’t have the right to tell her what types of presents she could and couldn’t give. She just continued doing what she always had done, and now we don’t know what to do.
My husband and I don’t care at all about whether any of our children receive a lot of money or generous gifts from her. In fact, we really would be happy if she just gave a card for every occasion.
We can’t force her to love all of her grandchildren equally, so how do we react to the disparity? — Disappointed DIL
Dear Disappointed: You and your husband have already tried to deal with this in a straightforward and honest way by talking directly to his mother about this. That’s the best response to her behavior.
Your kids are old enough to discuss this with you, so, in advance of the next gift-giving occasion your husband should take the lead by saying, “Grandma seems to enjoy giving lopsided gifts. I’m sure you’ve noticed this. I am not happy that she doesn’t treat you all the same and have asked her to change, but she refuses. I guess she’s really set in her ways. This embarrasses me, but it shouldn’t embarrass you. Please try not to feel bad about what you do — or don’t — receive, and always remember that we love you equally.
Grandma just can’t seem to adjust to our new family as well as you all have.”
Dear Amy: I am in seventh grade, and one of my friends, “Laura,” recently told me that she won’t eat until she loses 5 pounds. I became very concerned and told her not to do it. I know that it is only 5 pounds, but I can’t help but be worried.
I am afraid that she will get very sick.
My cousin did the same thing four years ago and became hospitalized. She had to go through different programs to get back on track, and even four years later, we have to force her to eat sometimes.
I don’t want this to happen to Laura. Should I tell and risk a friendship? — Worried in Connecticut
Dear Worried: You should talk to your parents about this. They might want to give “Laura’s” parents a call to let them know that her behavior is scaring you.
Kids your age sometimes try fad diets, and often it’s probably not anything to worry too much about. But because you had an experience with an eating disorder in your family, you know that crash dieting can trigger very dangerous behavior. Crash dieting is dumb and bad for your health. It also doesn’t work.
Tell Laura that her plan scares you and you’re worried she’ll get sick the way your cousin did.
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