Dear Amy: I’m 22 years old and ready to settle down. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We’ve been through a lot during our time together.
I got pregnant, and then we lost the baby when I was seven months along. Ever since I lost the baby, everything seems different. I think the love my boyfriend had for me when I was pregnant just isn’t there anymore.
I’m not sure how to save our relationship. — Crybaby
Dear Crybaby: You’re right — you have been through a lot in the relatively short year you and your guy have been together. You got pregnant early on in the relationship and then suffered what must be an extremely painful loss.
Contact the physician or hospital that treated you through your miscarriage to find out if there is a grief group you could join.
Losing a late-term baby is traumatic, and you would benefit from ongoing support from others who have also experienced this sort of loss.
Your boyfriend might be grieving, confused and sorrowful. He might be afraid to upset you by bringing this up — or his feelings for you might have changed. If you don’t come together in an intimate way to express your honest emotions, your relationship will suffer.
I hope you won’t focus too much on “settling down.” You should give yourself — and him — the time and space to heal before you leap into the next phase.
Dear Amy: My mother, who just turned 80, refuses to apologize to my husband for a hurtful comment she made almost four years ago.
My husband and I will be celebrating our 35th anniversary soon, and it is very upsetting to me that my mom and my husband are basically not speaking.
The only way I can imagine my husband and my mother in the same room together is if one of them is in a coffin.
I persuaded my husband to write a letter to my mom about how he feels, but she never answered it. Any suggestions? — Upset Daughter
Dear Upset: One problem with being the “fixer” in your family is that when you provide both parties with a solution to their standoff and one of them refuses to “play,” then it becomes your job to continue to try to fix what ails them.
This is obviously very upsetting to you. There is no question that this affects you — but unfortunately the two adults in question will simply have to figure out how to fix their relationship, or at least patch it to the extent that they can be in the same room while still upright.
Your husband seems to have done his best to please you by attempting to heal this breech. I certainly hope that he will now choose, after four years, to move on.
All you can do now is tell your mother how disappointed you are in her behavior, say you’re no longer going to be involved in their issue, and say, “I certainly hope you and Bob work things out, but I’m going to try my best not to worry about this anymore, Mom.” Then you will have to yank yourself away from both people, assume an attitude of quiet detachment and learn to accept their very flawed relationship.
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