Dear Margo: My cousin’s fiancee is one of the most unpleasant, selfish, obnoxious women my husband and I have ever met. We’ve gone from seeing my cousin weekly to avoiding any possible interactions with the fiancee. We assumed the relationship wouldn’t last, but were dismayed when they announced their engagement. Since then, various relatives, including his siblings, have approached me with concerns about the quality of this person he is going to marry. We all agreed we would want to be told, however … we are not sure how to approach the topic and wonder if it is just too late (six months until the wedding). The idea was to write a letter signed by all seven of us, saying we will be there no matter what, but expressing our feelings. What should we do? — Concerned Cousin
Dear Con: Not everyone would agree with me, but I actually like the idea of the letter signed by everyone — and six months is plenty of time. He may not take your advice; he may, in fact, cut you off. But you all will have acted in what you felt to be his best interest. There’s always the chance that he will avoid you seven as though you had typhoid, or … he may rethink his engagement. Just to prepare you, most people who decide they’ve found “the one” are not susceptible to others’ opinions. Do not ask me how I know this. — Margo, historically
That was then, this is now
Dear Margo: Several years ago, “Beatrice” and I dated. It didn’t work out (no fireworks) and she married a decent guy. I kept in touch via telephone/Internet with both her and her husband through the years. Almost a year ago, she called and told me they were separating and she’d always wondered what we would be like together. I dismissed the idea, both because she was married and because I didn’t think we were couple material. Yet when she asked to meet up just to chat, sparks flew. We’re better matched now than we were years ago, and I feel a connection with her that was missing back then. My problem is that her divorce isn’t final and her husband doesn’t know about us, although her parents and several of her friends do. I feel like we’re sneaking around. When is it “OK” to formally date? Does it have to be the minute the ink dries on the divorce decree? A discreet month later? Is there any moral difference between fooling around now and waiting until the pen strikes paper? Plus, part of me is scared that if her marriage fell apart because she fell out of love with him, what’s to prevent the same thing from happening to me? — Kind of on the Fence
Dear Kind: Many people who don’t seem suited to one another at a particular time in their lives come together, later, as a much better match — a reignited match, if you will. (Hence, all the couples who re-meet at school reunions and go for it.) As for when it’s proper to date, these days it is customary to be able to date when you are no longer living with your spouse — and even sometimes if you are both in the same house because the other person won’t move out. As for your fear that this woman might fall out of love with you, too, I can offer no guarantees — nor can she. Follow your heart, my friend, and take your chances, like the rest of us. — Margo, fatefully
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
