Dear Amy: My sister has two California homes, 3 miles apart and worth in total more than $3 million.
Many family members have been invited to stay in these homes, and I can visit any time I want.
My husband, sadly, is never invited.
What is my husband’s sin? Evidently, his only fault is that he is 21 years older than I and married me when I was 41, an age at which the rest of the family assumed I’d be a happy spinster the rest of my life.
My sister and I have been extremely close, until I moved to Chicago after I got married.
I accommodate my sister’s wishes by visiting alone.
Do you think this is wimpy? — Wondering
Dear Wondering: “Wimpy” isn’t the first word that comes to mind (it’s the third or fourth). “Disrespectful” is the first word I think of.
Perhaps your husband doesn’t care that he is excluded from your family in this way (maybe he even feels lucky to be left out).
But your husband is “family” now. When you married him, you two chose to be in a family together. Excluding him in order to hobnob in your sister’s expensive homes sounds shallow and disrespectful.
It sounds like everyone in your clan (including you) needs to work harder to make the transition from “happy spinster” to “happily married.” You can help your sister to make this transition by cheerfully telling her that you and your husband travel together and that as long as he is welcome in her home, then you’ll be happy to visit. You should also make sure to invite family members to visit you in your new hometown (and mine) this summer. Chicago glistens in the sunshine.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have a vacation home in Florida. We plan to spend more time there when we retire in two years. It is a very nice home and we go there whenever we have vacation time.
We would like our adult children to be able to use our home. My husband also likes to offer the use of our house to friends and relatives when we’re not there.
I prefer to be there when guests visit and am uncomfortable having others stay at our house — unless it’s our children.
My husband invited his brother and his wife to stay there for two weeks this spring after we leave. It’s too late for them to change plans, but in the future, how do I tell friends and relatives nicely that I only want them to visit when we’re there? I have discussed this with my husband, and because he doesn’t see the problem, he’s left it up to me. — Snowbird
Dear Snowbird: Many people would rather not be home during two-week visits from in-laws. Having others stay in your otherwise vacant home can sometimes lead to problems, but good guests leave the place as they’ve found it (and often leave a little extra for you on your return).
You and your husband need to be on the same page about this — he should not offer the house without you agreeing to it first.
Because he is leaving this up to you, you’ll have to learn to say “no” to people. A simple statement, like, “We’d love to have you visit while we’re there, but not when we’re gone,” should suffice.
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