Dear Amy: I grew up in Chicago but moved to Denmark seven years ago. I attend college and plan on returning to Chicago when I complete my degree. However, my wife, with whom I have two children, is resistant to the idea of living in Chicago. Her main concern is the weather.
The part of Denmark where she comes from has very mild winters.
My wife wants to move to America, but to someplace warm, such as California. I want our children to graduate from a high school in Chicago and learn the culture and history of the city. I also have very few job prospects in California and far better job prospects in Chicago, and so does she. I also wouldn’t feel at home in California.
Am I on the wrong side of this debate? Should I insist on our moving to Chicago? — American in Denmark
Dear American: Chicago is one of the finest cities on the planet, but it isn’t the only place offering a good quality of life and good professional and educational opportunities.
Imposing your hometown onto your family isn’t necessarily a great idea. I imagine your children will always consider themselves at least partly Danish, and they will carry their culture with them wherever you settle.
This current economic climate is grayer and more leaden than the low cloud ceiling hanging over Chicago’s skyline in March. You and your wife should pursue your professional opportunities and let your job prospects influence your choices.
If you are determined to move to the States, don’t rule out Chicago, but remember that there are any number of fine cities with warmer climates, such as Baltimore, Oakland, New Orleans and Washington.
Dear Amy: My verbal filter is slow. I realize that I’ve said something stupid, hurtful or unhelpful only the second after it pops out of my mouth.
English is my boyfriend’s second language, so he often asks me to repeat, slow down or clarify things I’ve said.
When I know it’s one of those things that I should’ve just kept to myself, I’ll shake my head and say, “Nothing. Never mind.” This frustrates him.
I’m sure that sometimes he thinks I’m being passive-aggressive when I won’t repeat something he didn’t understand. I’ve explained to him that when I say, “Nothing,” that means, “Repeating what I said would make this conversation take an ugly turn,” which, by the way, it usually does when he forces my comments out of me.
His response to this is, “If you said it, it’s important.” I’ve tried to explain to him that my running-at-the-mouth is not always important, but he’s very stubborn.
What’s a better way to handle this? — Sara
Dear Sara: You should force yourself to repeat exactly whatever god-awful thing you said and face the consequences.
Filtering is a valuable quality — in your personal and professional life. The sooner you figure this out and are able to restrain yourself, the better.
Unless you are an exceedingly slow learner, a few uncomfortable sessions of having your filter-less comments dissected should set you straight. It’s not enough to admit your failing; it’s time to try harder to change.
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