With the economy in shambles, Afghanistan on edge, and “American Idol” poised to torment the world with yet another saccharine belter, the world is full of crises for people with the guts to solve them. Luckily, Doug Lamborn is not one of these people.
The Colorado Springs congressman emerged from a meeting this week with the artist Christo and promptly endorsed his scheme to suspend fabric (in a blah c0lor last seen on the siding of a tract home in Highlands Ranch) over 6 miles of gorgeous Arkansas River canyon.
Christo calls this “art.” The congressman calls this “economic development.” Taxpayers, however, should call the whole thing “creepy.”
We should get the willies whenever politicians get involved in approving art. Exhibit No. 1 juts outside the Denver Center for the Performing Arts, where the former First Lady of Denver, Wilma Webb, inflicted upon us those monstrous white frolicking Gumby statues. I used to call them the Dancing Dorks, until one of our sons reminded me that I look exactly like them whenever the radio plays the Rolling Stones.
After driving, fishing and rafting the Christo-coveted stretch of the Arkansas River a million times, I can’t imagine anything that man — or even a one-word international art sensation — could do to improve the natural view.
Even worse, I fear Christo is missing a valuable opportunity. If he really wanted to do something to earn the undying thanks of many Coloradans, he should wrap and hide a few other very prominent local features:
• Jay Cutler’s pouty lip. Unfortunately, there might not be enough fabric in the world to fully shroud this massive project.
• U.S. 36 from Denver to Boulder. Former Gov. Dick Lamm used to call the drive along the Boulder Turnpike — with its awe-inspiring views of the Flatirons, Indian Peaks and Longs Peak — a “religious experience.” Today, it’s mainly a Big Box experience. Wrap it!
• Rocky Mountain News paper tubes. My heart still breaks every time I see an empty blue Rocky tube on a mailbox post awaiting delivery of a newspaper that will never come. Better to put it out of sight and out of mind.
• The Casa Bonita All-You-Can-Eat Chicken Deluxe Dinner. OK, so this Lakewood restaurant is an icon of Colorado kitsch, and young kids love the cliff-divers and gunfighters, but have you ever been brave enough to go back for seconds on the all-you-can-eat food? Me neither.
• Ted Haggard. After spilling his guts on HBO, the fallen Colorado preacher is now supposed to spill again on the TV show “Divorce Court.” Enough already.
• Mike Rosen’s retirement fund. The righteous radio yakker lost a big chunk of his investment savings to the same financial manager he promoted on the air. His next fear: Obama will levy a new tax on browbeating.
• Cougars of Greenwood Village. By day, they demand the shooting of coyotes in the backyards of their suburban McMansions. By night, they prowl the bar at Elway’s in Cherry Creek. For them, Christo just may be the ultimate designer wrap.
• Michael Bennet’s loafers. He lived here only 12 years before being appointed as Colorado’s newest U.S. senator. This means Bennet has spent more time walking the halls of preppy East Coast schools than the fields of any Western ranch. He’ll be asking Ken Salazar for some boots and a bolo before next year’s election.
• The Pikes Peak gravel quarry. Better known around southern Colorado as “The Scar,” this ugly gash on the flanks of America’s most famous mountain should serve as a reminder of what can happen when politicians from Colorado Springs push economic development at the expense of Rocky Mountain natural beauty.
• The Avs’ whole season. Ugh.
Mark Obmascik of Denver is a former Post reporter and author of “The Big Year.” He will be writing an occasional column for the op-ed page.
