Dear Amy: I work with a young woman who wears the most hideous vintage clothing imaginable.
Her long, unkempt hair only adds to her Halloween look. Everyone talks about her looks and clothing behind her back.
Should someone say something to her? She could be very attractive if only she knew how to dress. — Concerned Co-worker
Dear Concerned: If you want to get together with others and criticize someone’s looks, you and your co-workers should head back to middle school, where this behavior is at least appropriate to the setting.
Your comment that your colleague “could be very attractive if only she knew how to dress” is the sort of condescending remark that is really an insult dressed up as a compliment.
If your colleague’s clothing choices are professionally inappropriate for the work she does, or if her Halloween hair would impede her functioning well in the workplace, then take action.
Or, if she is so grossly off-base that she presents a dangerous distraction to others, and if you are her supervisor, then by all means give her the benefit of your sartorial expertise.
Otherwise, you and others who criticize this person behind her back should take another look at your own behavior, stop sniping and get back to work.
Dear Amy: I have a wonderful husband, and I really like his family as well, but I question his family’s etiquette when honoring loved ones who have passed away or when showing their sympathy to friends and relatives who have lost loved ones.
Each time a family member or friend passes, my mother-in-law insists that my husband give money to the family of the deceased.
I have always been taught to send a Mass card, sympathy card, flowers to the memorial service or donate to the charity suggested in the obituary or from family members.
I find giving money incredibly tacky, and I refuse to do it.
My husband and I are in our 30s, so I feel we can make our own decisions about this. Yet, my husband always seems pressured by his mother to give money, and he gives in because he does not like confrontation.
Am I wrong to feel upset by this? And is it tacky to give money to a family member or friend when they’ve lost a loved one? — Wondering
Dear Wondering: Like many etiquette questions, the answer to this one is “it depends.” Some cultures accept and expect gifts of money when someone dies; often these gifts are used to offset the cost of the funeral and burial.
The most important issue here has to do with you, your husband and his mother. At his age, he should be able to decide what is appropriate. Other than offering your opposing views, you and your mother-in-law should stay out of it.
Even if your husband doesn’t like confrontation, his mother (and you) will be able to dominate him simply by dangling the possibility of a confrontation. But if he wants to establish himself as an adult in his mother’s eyes, he doesn’t need to confront her. He merely has to establish a boundary by saying, “Thanks for offering your point of view, Mom; I’ll make my own choice and if I want to discuss it further, I’ll let you know.”
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