Dear Margo: I am a married mother of three. My husband loves me and we have a nice life. Unfortunately, I no longer love him. I am in love with a man who is five years younger. (He is also married with a child.) We both married for the wrong reasons. Whatever free time we have we spend together, and he has helped me both financially and professionally. He’s in the same situation: He does not love his wife, but doesn’t want to leave because of his child. I don’t want to leave, either, because of how devastating it would be for the children. I am torn and don’t know what to do. I am so in love with this man and would do anything to be with him, but can’t bring myself to do it. I know he loves me; this is not just a simple affair. We have so much in common and the same outlook on life. I can talk to him about anything and be myself when I’m around him … not possible with my husband. I have never had such unconditional love before. I sometimes want to end it with him because I feel I should work on my marriage, but when I do try, it is clear things are broken beyond repair. — Dazed
Dear Daze: I am a pragmatic realist and not always politically correct. I know I will hear from the advocates of till-death-do-us-part, but here is what I think. The real key is whether or not your marriage would respond to “work.” I do know that with a lover in the picture it is next to impossible to concentrate on one’s marriage. On the other hand, if there is absolutely no repair possible and you and this man have this wonderful connection, you could either keep the affair going (difficult, emotionally) or realize that divorce need not mean abandoning parental duties and roles. You would not be the first couple to undo a damaged marriage. Another consideration is, what are these various children seeing and feeling at home? If there is frost or fighting, that is not so great for kids, either. Try to determine if the sex and secrecy are what’s fueling this romance. In other words, you have a lot to think about. Are things workable the way they are now? Is there guilt? Is it at all a possibility that you would each leave your marriage? Good luck figuring this out. — Margo, contemplatively
Response to a Know-It-All
Dear Margo: Last weekend we had our annual Disneyland trip and my cousin brought up my taste in men. She proceeded to speak of “how horrible” my last boyfriends were and how she feels the same way about my current one. She said that I should be going out with my brother-in-law’s brother, in whom I have zero interest. She also said that maybe I should go on a Christian dating show to find a “suitable” mate. The man I am dating is a very kind man I’ve known for many years and everyone else likes. She’s only met him once, and the exchange between them was limited to “hello” and “goodbye.” I was just so shocked. I told her I was happy with my relationship and left it at that. I want to prevent her starting in on something like this again, but I don’t know how to go about it. — Fed Up
Dear Fed: Should this graceless cousin open up this subject again, I would answer with a more polite version of “Who asked you?” Simply say you’re very happy in your relationship and when you open up the subject to a referendum you will be sure to call and record her vote. Then move on to another subject. If she continues with her “suggestions,” simply shoot her the evil eye and raise an eyebrow. When people get into inappropriate territory, it is perfectly acceptable to close them down. — Margo, appropriately
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
