Dear Amy: I am a divorced woman with two teenage sons. I have been divorced for five years.
My question is how I should be addressed by my son’s friends, parents and teachers.
For example, I am commonly referred to as “Mrs. Smith.” I mostly ignore the Mrs. reference, because I feel that to respond that I am no longer “Mrs.” unnecessarily calls attention to the fact that I am divorced.
I was in a grocery store and ran into an old married acquaintance and her teenage daughter. When she went to introduce me to her daughter, she stumbled around with how to introduce me.
She was clearly uncomfortable, and I quickly told the daughter to just call me by my first name, which is what I do most of the time.
I don’t mind using Ms. in written correspondence when there is the option.
Ms.? Mrs.? First name? — Shelley in Illinois
Dear Shelley: Like you, I wrestled with this issue for the entirety of my daughter’s childhood. Unlike you, I never took my ex-husband’s surname, further compounding the issue because when people called me “Mrs. Smith,” they were calling me by a title I no longer held and by a surname I had never used.
Like you, I chose not to draw attention to it.
Your kids’ friends are merely referring to you using the polite form they were taught. In the absence of alternatives, you should answer to it.
Using the form “Ms.” doesn’t necessarily denote any marital status; it is meant to be neutral, but when spoken it comes out sounding so much like “Mrs.” that it’s a fine distinction.
I vote for being on a first-name basis, certainly with older teens, and would like to hear readers’ opinions.
Dear Amy: I have an uncle who has never been a part of my life. He is my mother’s last surviving sibling.
In our family we have a lot of kidney disease. My uncle has received a new kidney and is currently doing really well, though he is in a nursing home at this time because of numerous strokes.
My mother resents the fact that none of her children have gone to visit him.
All of the nieces and nephews feel that because we have never had a relationship with him, why should we develop one now? Is this very selfish on our part? I have feelings for him only because he is my mother’s brother.
Other than that, I don’t have any ties with him whatsoever. My mother is becoming very angry with us, but we all feel the same. — Tired of Feeling Guilty
Dear Tired: You and your siblings should focus on what would give your mother the most comfort. After her other losses, surely you can imagine her concern over her brother’s illness.
Even though you don’t have a relationship with your uncle, you should go to see him. Why? Because your mother has asked you to.
If you’re too uncomfortable to go by yourself, then go with siblings or with your mother when she visits.
One easy way to connect with an unfamiliar relative is to take along old family photos to talk about. Identifying people and places in photographs will prompt stories and connections.
Dear Amy: My mother and sister are hosting a baby shower for me. The shower will be in New Jersey, and I now live in Colorado.
I am wondering how my mother and sister can appropriately convey that if guests would like to purchase a gift, shipping it to my home from the registry — or a gift card — is much more practical.
Is it appropriate to have something sent along with the invitation stating this? — Colleen
Dear Colleen: Information concerning gifts should be conveyed by the hostesses personally, not on the invitation.
It’s not that complicated to ship gifts back to your home in Colorado.
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