Dear Amy: I have a good friend from high school who married a woman I do not like.
She is caustic and has said some insensitive things to my wife.
I do not enjoy spending time with her, and have talked to other people who agree with me. They don’t like her, either.
She filed for divorce from my friend, but the divorce was never finalized. He suffers from depression, probably because he is married to her.
This friend does not seem to want to spend time with me anymore. I send him e-mails inviting him to concerts and other events with me and a group of our friends, and he always responds that he has some other plans or is not interested in attending.
I think his wife is trying to keep him away from me. I think he wants to spend time with me but is being prevented from doing so.
What should I do? — Rich
Dear Rich: Your friend’s wife might be isolating him — or his life might be isolating him. He could be too depressed to spend time out with you — or he might be embroiled in an abusive relationship.
Married couples can have separate friends, interests and activities, but from the tone of your letter, you seem unwilling to spend any time at all with your friend’s wife; excluding her completely will affect your friendship and may isolate your friend further.
You should occasionally invite his wife for social outings and do your best to tolerate her. Do this for your friend’s sake.
Additionally, you should try to spend some time one-on-one with him (rather than always asking him to go out with a group).
I hope you will keep trying to connect with your friend, but don’t overwhelm him with invitations he’s not likely to accept.
More than any outing, he may need to talk. If he is in an abusive relationship, he will need your ongoing support, so stay present in his life.
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