Dear Amy: My husband, children and I live in a lovely old home in a suburb.
There are many young families in the neighborhood with children ranging from toddlers to teenagers. We all get along.
However, about a year ago I started to notice many of the women in my neighborhood gathering about once a month. Sometimes their families are included, but most often it’s “just the girls.” Turns out they have a book club.
What hurts is no one has ever even asked whether I would be interested in joining. An added dose of salt to the wound is that sometimes they hold their gatherings in adjoining yards, clearly within my view, and I don’t even get a shout “Hello” or a “Why don’t you join us?” Afterward, when they’re returning from their get-togethers, they act very smug and standoffish.
I’m not illiterate. In fact, I read for a living and reading is one of my hobbies. Individually, I get along with these women very well.
But here’s the kicker. Even if I was invited to join, I probably wouldn’t. I don’t like being told what to read, and I’m not very good in groups of women.
So, how come I feel so hurt when they go off for their “meetings”? And why am I not invited? — Left Out on Elm Street
Dear Left Out: You feel hurt for the same reason Groucho Marx was perennially grouchy. To paraphrase one of my favorite bits, “I would never join a club that would have someone like me for a member.” It’s hard to watch others getting together, but there are many possible reasons you haven’t been invited, including that you are standoffish, or members think they would be intimidated by your presence because you are too literary.
The book-club members act standoffish after their meetings because they are aware that they haven’t asked you to join and the only way they can deal with this is to ignore you.
One way for you to feel better would also involve trapping the other members in a social Venus’ flytrap. You would have to say, “I’m disappointed you haven’t asked me to join your book club.” The neighbor would then be forced to either explain their reasoning or ask you to join — or perhaps both. Then, you would decline.
Because you don’t enjoy this kind of thing, you might clear the air by acknowledging and making a joke out of it.
Dear Amy: I am invited to the wedding of a friend who is getting married for the third time.
For the third time my friend is planning a rather large and expensive party.
Am I responsible for giving a third gift? I understand his weddings are more than an elopement, as each bride is a first-timer, but this friend has an excellent, high-paying job and I think it’s kind of nervy to expect invitees to pony up for a third time.
My potential solution is to make a donation to charity in the name of the couple.
Am I out of line in my thinking? — Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: There is no standard prohibition against giving or receiving gifts for subsequent weddings (now known as “encore weddings,” I’ve learned), though when it comes to a third wedding, the trip down the aisle gets tiring — at least for “encore” guests.
I agree with your idea to contribute to a charity in honor of the couple.
Dear Amy: The letter in your column from “Urban Amish,” who didn’t like technology, hit a mark! My sister and I live 1,600 miles apart. She refused to get e-mail until her son finally said, “I’m giving you my old computer because we’re updating.” Like Urban, she, too, is talented and intelligent but just not interested in the new technology. Now, she thanks me nearly every day for being able to keep in touch via e-mail. We’re in our 80s, so it means a lot. — “Hep” Senior
Dear Hep: Congratulations to you and your sister for finding a great way to stay in touch.
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