Dear Amy: I was platonic friends with a male friend for more than a year.
He knew I had a crush on him but he and I both knew we were just friends. He would visit and we would talk all the time without the pressure of being anything more than friends.
Then one night it all changed.
Recently, we have become what you would call “friends with benefits.” Everything has changed from how frequently he calls to the awkwardness I feel when he leaves.
I don’t know what’s going on but I would like to have my friend back — or if he wants more, then I am open to that.
I am the one who says what I want and accepts nothing less, but with this I am baffled. Please help me with this situation. — Tired of FWB
Dear Tired: I bet that you could have discussed this confusion and awkwardness with your platonic friend, before you became “friends with benefits.” And so, if you can have sex with someone but not have a conversation with him, what’s the benefit of that? You seem to want another sort of relationship, and chances are that this isn’t quite working for your friend, either.
Because you’re the person concerned enough to write to me, I vote for you to initiate this conversation. Put your thoughts down on paper before you speak — this will help you to organize your ideas and also give you the courage to speak.
I would suggest that you call a complete moratorium on the sexual aspect of your relationship and focus on the friendship part for now.
You two may have forever altered your friendship, but you won’t know until you admit to your mistake and do your best to repair it.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to “Cold in California,” a wife and mom of three who was about to leave her husband, whom she described as “angry.” Her breadwinner husband may be stressed, tired, fearful and resentful. The three kids just add to the stress and the expectations.
So maybe it’s time for a family counseling/budget session, not just a marriage counseling session.
I’m not surprised that the husband is angry. It’s one of the few emotions some men feel they are allowed to have, and under the stress of being expected to be the sole support of four other people, maybe he’s crashing a bit.
And if he’s supposed to be Mr. Handyman and Mr. Romantic, and the World’s Best Dad, too, it can be a bit much.
I wonder how many husbands end up with the short end of the divorce stick because they couldn’t tell the wife how much they were hurting and how stressful being the man of the house can be. Men are people, too. — A Faithful Reader
Dear Faithful: I agree that a person doesn’t become angry and unlikable overnight. You are also correct that anger is a common outer expression of other, complex emotions.
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