Dear Margo: I met my husband when I was 19, and by the time I was 21 we were married with a child. This year we will celebrate seven years of marriage, all of which have been good. My problem is our youngest, 4, who will be starting kindergarten next year. I would like to enter the workforce after she is in school full time, but because I married and became a parent so young, I never really had a chance to find out who I was and what I wanted to be when I grew up. My husband is 15 years older than I and doesn’t understand, as he had the opportunity to discover who he was before he had a family. I love them all dearly, but I want to make myself a priority. I guess I am asking you how I figure out who I am when I have the responsibilities of being a wife and mother. I do want to do something with my life. — Searching
Dear Search: I would take stock of what your interests are. What kind of job do you think would be fun and rewarding? If you really have no inkling of the line of work that would feel right for you, there are career counselors who help you figure things out with aptitude tests. Given your situation now, with one very young child, you might want to consider a shared or part-time job once you’ve found a stimulating field. I’m sure it will be satisfying when you enlarge your life. Good luck. — Margo, vocationally
Not as odd a duck as he thinks
Dear Margo: I am a 21-year-old male who has come to terms with the fact that I am asexual. I have no interest in either sex and, for the most part, don’t mind it. However, my family seems to have an extremely difficult time accepting that I don’t want to go out and “fool around” with women. I find it incomprehensible and unfair to go out with a woman and not be able to return her feelings for me, if such were to arise. Aside from this, I am also confused about my thoughts of the future. I continue dreaming of having a family with children, but if I don’t hold a desire to be with either sex, is it even possible? — Internally Perplexed
Dear In: To be asexual is not as uncommon as many people imagine. A certain number of people are neutral about many things … hence there are people who are amoral, indifferent to religion, etc. Linguistically, to be “a” anything means “to be without.” For whatever reason, you are missing the sexual pull toward either gender. If you want to better understand your stance, you might wish to raise the subject with a psychologist. Regarding your family, I suspect they will have a tough time comprehending your emotional makeup, it being foreign to them, so just make the statement that, so far, you’ve not met anyone who interests you enough to pursue. As for your thoughts about the future, your dream of a family with children is not out of reach. It is possible you could meet an asexual woman, for whom you feel friendship, who also wants children. There is the additional possibility of being a single parent. I hope you do not beat yourself up about feeling “different.” I’ll bet there are those who’ve experienced such sexual (SET ITAL) Sturm und Drang (END ITAL) that your life would seem enviable. — Margo, individually
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
