Dear Amy: I have been with my mate for about 15 years — married for the last five. We have two delightful children, ages 4 and 2. For some time now, I have wanted to have another child. When I have attempted to discuss this with my husband, he becomes angry and states that he doesn’t want more children. During one discussion that turned into an argument, he said he’d rather be divorced than have another child.
He has two adult children from a previous marriage. I work outside the home, so he cares for the children — he took an early retirement from his job. I have explored the possibility of my caring for the kids while he works or both of us working, but he is not interested in returning to work.
Our marriage is strained, and I’m not happy. At times, I find myself hating him because of this. Can you help? — Desperate for Another
Dear Desperate: If a full-time working father with a stay-at-home wife posed the same issue, I’d tell him to count his blessings and get over it. And so you should count your blessings and get over it.
Until you have cared for two young children as a stay-at-home parent, day in and day out, you can’t really know how unrelenting full-time parenting is.
Essentially, what your husband hears is that you would like to add to his burden.
I deduce that he is older, more experienced and more exhausted than you are.
You have little idea what challenges lie in wait for you as a parent, but your husband does. He knows that he’s in for at least 20 more years of full-time daddy-hood.
It’s unfortunate that you’re unhappy, but you’re way too willing to sacrifice your husband’s happiness for yours. If you can’t manage your disappointment, get counseling.
Dear Amy: My grandniece is graduating from college in two weeks, and I am perplexed as to what would be an appropriate gift. When she graduated from high school, we gave a quite generous cash gift. Now she will be returning home to live with her parents and will be employable.
She has a car, and all her college expenses were paid for by others. Should we give money again? — Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: There are myriad acceptable gifts besides cash, such as books, artwork or heirlooms. I also like the idea of helping set up a college graduate with a very long-term investment, rather than giving cash.
You should check with your accountant to see if you can set up a retirement fund for your grandniece. You could fund it initially with a gift to her now — and encourage her to sock money away.
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