Dear Margo: I am 49 and fell in love with a beautiful man two and a half years ago. Nine months into the relationship, after we’d already begun to talk about marriage, I discovered that his divorce was not yet final. I was sorely disappointed, and his explanation was that he had been confused about the whole process, believing that he was legally divorced with only the financial settlement remaining. My instinct told me to run, yet I felt compassion for him because his wife had abandoned him. Soon afterward, being devastated by her departure, he had a relationship with a subordinate at work. Though it was over when we met, it seems she felt that they should get back together. Needless to say, when she found out he had moved on (they work together every day and he continued to take her out to lunch), she became enraged and called me, saying he was still trying to get her to marry him … along with a few other ugly proclamations. He denied it all, though he realized he should have told me about her. By this time, he had already moved up to two strikes in the first year of our relationship.
He has suffered from depression, and I feel much of his unacceptable behavior can be attributed to his poor mental state in the years after his wife left. He is on medication now and is committed to making our relationship work. I’ve left him on more than one occasion, but he has begged me to remain with him and give it a chance. He broke my heart and trust on many levels, and I am not convinced he won’t have other lapses of judgment. I fear at my age it may take a very long time before I find another man with whom I feel so intellectually and physically compatible. Yet I am on the fence. Can someone who’s screwed up ever learn, or am I taking a huge risk by staying with him? I know no one can foresee the future, but what do I base my decision on? — Seeking Answers in Los Angeles
Dear Seek: I would stick around and see if there’s a strike three. Granted, he has made some boneheaded moves, but the things he’s done sound like one-off slipups. (And just FYI, in some states you can get divorced while leaving the settlement to be worked out later.) Because you say he is begging you to give it a chance, and given that you find him wonderfully compatible, play your own private game of baseball and hope for a home run rather than a third strike. — Margo, patiently
Do We Blackball the Groom?
Dear Margo: My niece is getting married this summer. My husband and I do not like the guy she is marrying, and we feel it would be dishonest for us to attend because we do not support the union. My sister, needless to say, is extremely upset by this and feels we should go no matter what our feelings toward him are. Margo, this guy is an animal abuser (we’ve seen it firsthand) and has cheated on my niece multiple times. Should we bite the bullet and go, or stick to our guns? Any guidance will be greatly appreciated. — Conflicted
Dear Con: Attending a wedding does not signify approval, and nuptials are not a referendum. People go to weddings out of friendship for either the bride or groom or their families. (If approval were a criterion for attendance, some weddings would have precious few guests.) I suggest you go to offer moral support to your sister — and your niece — and gloss over the fact, just for one day, that the guy is a loser. — Margo, supportively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
