Six Flags filed for bankruptcy protection on Saturday and says it needs fresh ideas to keep filling its 20 amusement parks in the U.S., Canada and Mexico amid a lingering recession.
Looney Tunes characters have long been parading through the parks — and apparently through the corporate offices too. Clearly they could be leveraged to create new attractions, policies and promotions, perhaps returning Sick Flags to financial health.
Some ideas:
• Bugs Bunny’s Merger Madness: Watch hypnotized executives chase carrots on sticks. Marvel as corporate holdings multiply and borrowed billions go down a rabbit hole.
• Elmer Fudd’s Proxy Hunt: Elmer, played by Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, wages a 2005 proxy battle, ousts management and willingly takes charge of managing Six Flags and its $2.4 billion in unsustainable debt as chairman. “OK, wabbit! We’ww see whose IQ is ‘P.U.’!”
• Speedy Gonzales’ 3-Year Turnaround Plan: Speedy, played by 30-something former ESPN whiz Mark Shapiro, dizzies the crowd with his fast-moving feet as Six Flags’ new CEO. ” Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! Yii-hah!”
• Running the Roost with Foghorn Leghorn: As part of a cleanup effort, Shapiro trains staff to keep teenage hoodlums from scaring the paying families away from the parks. “I say . . . cut that out, boy, or I’ll spank you where the feathers are thinnest.”
• Sneak Under the Fence with Pepe Le Pew: Are gas prices so high you can’t afford even those deeply discounted tickets? Get in free when you kiss a French skunk: “Ze moon! Ze June! C’est l’amour!! . . . Come back! Ze corned beef does not run away from ze cabbage!”
• Yosemite Sam’s Relentless Search For the Bottom: Watch Six Flags’ stock sink into oblivion, even as Shapiro and Snyder brag about operational successes. The company hasn’t seen a profitable year since 1998. Says Sam: “Great horny-toadies! I think I dug all the way to Chinee!”
• Daffy Duck Passes The Buck: Blame belongs to the management team Synder and Shapiro replaced. “They’re des-picable.”
“The turnaround strategy we began implementing in the spring of 2006 has come to fruition,” Shapiro boasted in a June 13 letter to employees. “Unfortunately . . . we inherited an unsustainable $2.4 billion debt load from the previous management team.”
• Tazmanian Devil’s Spin Machine: Says Taz: “Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?”
• Tweety’s Sunshine Sing-A-Long: “Where, oh where, has my puddy tat gone? Oh, where, oh where can he be?”
Shapiro, a cat who clearly missed his chance to eat the canary, sings it like this: “Believe me when I say we will emerge from this process stronger and more competitive than ever.”
Now here’s a real amusement: Watch as Six Flags and its management pretend they won’t be bitten in a bankruptcy.
“This restructuring process is strictly a ‘back of the house’ effort,” Shapiro wrote to employees. “This action to clean up the balance sheet paves the way for a full revival of the company.”
In the end, reckless debt is not so easily remedied. I think a stuttering, cartoon pig said it best: “A blee, a blee, a blee. . . . That’s all folks.”
Al Lewis: 201-938-5266 or al.lewis@dowjones.com; read Al’s blog at
