Dear Margo: I am a middle-aged woman with two girls in college. My problem is my husband’s emotional affair with his boss. My husband works at a computer company that requires quite a bit of his time, even weekends. Over the past eight months he’s developed a very close friendship with his female boss that includes having drinks after work (leaving me home alone), buying her gifts on various occasions, taking many pictures of her when they travel together for business, spending weekend time taking her to dinner without me, and sending her e-mails on the weekend that don’t involve work. My husband admits being sexually attracted to her, but says they only share a special friendship because they work together. He tells me he’s in love with me … but has no intention of giving up his special friendship with her. My husband feels that since there’s been no physical contact between them, there is no threat to our marriage and, furthermore, that it isn’t considered cheating! We are in our second round of marriage counseling. My question is: Since my husband is so cavalier about his involvement in this emotional affair, will we ever be able to get past this problem? We’ve never before had a problem like this over the course of our 25 years together. — Frantic and Crushed
Dear Fran: Are you sitting down? Computer dude is clearly in a romance, and it ain’t just emotional. I suspect male menopause. No disrespect, but I think your counselor is out to lunch if he or she hasn’t made this the issue, and I also think your husband is lying through his teeth while trying to put you on the defensive. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your mate is trying to give you the old razzle-dazzle, and I hope you see through it. I suggest you tell him to take his “special friendship” and move it into an apartment. That, or give up the babe and the job. What he is doing to you is disgraceful. — Margo, wistfully
No Sex, Please, We’re Married.
Dear Margo: I am 42 with two young children. I am married to a kind and loving man who cares deeply about our family. The problem is, he is not sexually attracted to me. I realize now that he never was. When we met, I was the aggressor, and once I stopped trying to have sex with him, all sex stopped. He says it’s not me, it’s him. (Does that argument ever work?) I feel unattractive, old and dried up. I don’t want to think that the rest of my life will be celibate, and I am not the type to have an affair. We have tried therapy a couple of times, but it hasn’t worked. I don’t know how you can talk someone into wanting to have sex with you anyway. To make matters worse, I no longer want to have sex with him. I don’t look at him in a sexual, masculine way anymore. Because of the young children, I don’t know whether divorce is the answer. Also, due to my age, I don’t know whether I would find anyone else. Everything else in our marriage works, but I am desperately unhappy without any physical connection. Please shed some light on a course of action for me. — Not Dried Up Yet
Dear Not: I am reading between the lines that your husband is either indifferent to sex or gay. What I would urge you to try to determine, even if it takes a different therapist, is the reason underlying the no-sex situation. Once you know what’s really going on, you will be in a better position to evaluate the situation and then make your choice about how you want to live. Knowledge really is power. And trust me, 42 is definitely not over the hill when it comes to finding romance again. — Margo, searchingly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
