Dear Amy: My 27-year-old daughter and her fiance are expecting a baby. Because of relocating closer to our family and changing jobs, there has been no time to plan a “formal” wedding.
They plan to have a private wedding at the local justice of the peace next month, mostly to get the baby on his insurance and to make it legal.
We would like to throw them a reception, but my daughter does not want a big reception at this time. She says she just feels too fat and would prefer that we do something at a later date. She was thinking that next spring or summer she and her husband would renew their vows in front of family and friends, and we could have a reception for them then.
Is this too tacky? A friend of mine suggested that it might appear that the couple is just looking for gifts! I don’t want my daughter to look back on this very important part of her life with any regrets. I want for her to have a “dream wedding,” but I don’t want all of our friends and family thinking that this is not “proper.” What do you suggest? How should we word the invitation? — Concerned Mom
Dear Mom: There is nothing tacky about inviting friends and family to be witnesses to a joyful union. You should scale back plans for a “dream wedding,” however. At almost 30 years old, your daughter’s dreams, aspirations and regrets are her responsibility — not yours.
One surefire way to avoid a negative perception would be for the couple to request “no gifts, please” or ask for guests who are interested to donate to a cause the couple support.
Stationers offer sample wording to use on invitations for any occasion. The invitation should come from the couple (not you) and invite guests to “share our happiness as we renew our wedding vows.”
Dear Amy: I work at the same company as a good friend of mine, “Barry.” I work in one group, and he is the boss of a different group. We frequently have lunch together and discuss personal and business issues.
About two years ago, Barry hired “Leslie” to work in his group. Leslie has a child approximately the same age as my own, and our families have become close.
Lately, Barry and Leslie have been inseparable. If I ask him to go to lunch with me, she always comes along.
I really like Leslie and don’t mind this to some degree, but I feel uncomfortable too. Her presence changes the dynamic.
Barry also invites Leslie and her family, but not other members of his group, to social events such as cookouts at his house. I am beginning to feel that this is professionally inappropriate given that she is a subordinate and that other members of his group might feel excluded.
Am I making too much of this? Should I say anything? — Frustrated Friend
Dear Friend: Because you are a friend and colleague but are not professionally intertwined with “Barry,” you are in the perfect position to speak with him if you think he’s behaving in a way that is unprofessional.
Are you really looking out for your pal, or is his new friendship cramping your style? If your intentions are pure, have a word with your friend.
Dear Amy: You asked for comments from readers about the idea of using an anonymous service to “tell a close friend some awkward news.” The reader found a solution in anonymity, but you considered it “cowardly.” “Cowardly?” Who cares? It got the job done. — Nancy
Dear Nancy: Well, if being cowardly doesn’t matter, then what are we doing here? There are times when friends need to suck it up, take a chance and tell the truth.
In person.
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