The front porch storyteller in America loses fans every day to the flood of digital media voices, mostly to the king of media: television.
A recent Nielsen Company report shows that Americans spent an average of 141 hours a month watching television during the second quarter of 2009, an all-time high. That’s approximately 30 percent of our waking hours watching the boob tube. That doesn’t leave much room for the spoken tall tale.
I, for one, stand proud as a digital laggard, as a champion of the long, drawn-out story told over cups of coffee on the front porch. A yarn so long that breaks are needed to refill mugs as you laugh about your day’s adventures while watching the sunset through a curtain of softly falling rain.
My coterie of fellow laggards may be small. But we are mighty in our war against the tidal wave of “CSI: Somewhere,” late-breaking cable news shows, and “Full House” in syndication.
It’s hard. I admit it. I do love watching “Mad Men” on HDTV — seeing John Hamm in digital causes a reflexive “ah.”
Be strong. So I’ve pledged to my analog cohorts that I will forever ban the following words from passing through my future cosmetically enhanced lips: “Wow, I loved all that time I spent watching TV — those were amazing moments.”
Instead, I’ll think about my Grandpa Cassidy, who was a master of the tall tale. Each summer vacation, my sister, brothers and I spent one night at his tiny house on Cape Cod. We couldn’t wait. After hyping us up on soda and candy, he’d gather us around his comfy chair. Sugar and caffeine froze my eyes open as Grandpa settled in for his nightly smoke, finally our story time.
Once blarney and pipe were lit, he’d puff smoke rings in the air while waving hands and weaving tales, tales about dark Irish castles, lonely kings and wicked ghosts that forever haunted castle halls.
Grandpa’s tales scared me then, but another report statistic scares me now: Americans with Internet access spend on average 75 hours a month online; that translates to 16 percent of our waking hours. Good news, though: The report does show that about one-third of that time is also spent watching television. We’re getting good at media multi-tasking.
Now don’t get me wrong. I spend my fair share on the Internet as well as watching the idiot box. Like Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day,” I turn on the TV with fresh anticipation, my fingers tapping together in the prayer position, inches from my face. But as usual, I end up sighing with shoulders slumped, mumbling at the screen, “There’s nothing on.”
But hope doesn’t die. I’ll spend the next hour clicking through 50 channels, mouth gaping open. Actually, I think I drooled on myself the last time I channel-surfed.
Another mind-numbing statistic shows that 54 percent of Americans now have three or more TV sets in their home, leaving little floor space for the in-home storyteller.
But I do have memories of watching television with my family.
Every Sunday night we’d set up TV trays in the family room and circle around the big Zenith console. Mom served tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches as we watched “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom,” then “The Wonderful World of Disney.” No one talked, not even Dad. I think Mom slept — this was her break from cooking all week.
I especially remember watching “The Tom Jones Show” with Mom; she didn’t nap during that hour.
Speaking of napping, Nielsen reported that “America’s Got Talent” was recently rated as the top network TV show.
All right, that was summer.
Still, it looks like the storyteller will have to learn how to juggle and throw knives to gain back any ground from the king of media.
Bridget Cassidy of Loveland (bridgetcassidy2009@gmail.com) works as a grant writer for Grow LLC in Denver.
