Dear Margo: My wife’s 30-year-old daughter is quite immature emotionally and sexually. She has never had a boyfriend. Her father’s family is Jewish, but she converted to Mormonism at 18. She has a close friend who is gay, also a Mormon, so he cannot come out to his parents — though most of his friends and a cousin who is also gay know of his homosexuality. (He is extremely effeminate.) I have gay male friends, so I have no problem with homosexuality — unless the homosexual wants to marry my stepdaughter.
We’ve questioned her about the reasons for this marriage but haven’t gotten very good answers. She freely admits that the boy is gay, but she wants to marry him anyway because they’re such close friends. Can you help us understand this situation from an angle that maybe we haven’t thought of? Can you help us know what to say to her to dissuade her from what we feel would be a very big mistake? — Really Unhappy
Dear Real: Her wishing to marry a young man who is gay could be a gesture of friendship so that he can continue his pretense, at least to his parents, that he is straight. It could be that she is not interested in sex. It could be that she is not planning to stay married to him forever. And it could be that there is nothing else going on in her life right now so she’s willing to play “Let’s Pretend.” I would have a serious discussion with her about all the ramifications you see, and then, as they say in gambling casinos, play it as it lays. I doubt there is anything you can say to change her mind if it’s made up. — Margo, stoically
The inability to move on can be crippling
Dear Margo: I have a problem. Let’s call her Mom. I was raised an only child in a single-parent home. Life was good. Mom and I spent a lot of time together, had all the same interests and shared everything. It was kind of “us against the world.” Now that I’m older, however, things have changed. As I grew up, went to college, got married and generally got on with my life, things became increasingly strained with my mother. It started in college, when she would tell me how her family would leave her out of gatherings or some co-worker did something to offend her.
As I spend more time away from her, I am beginning to realize that she is the cause of the problems in her life. Everything is a slight, and everyone who doesn’t put her needs first is rude and thoughtless. I have spoken with some of the “perpetrators” to find out why they would leave her out or be mean. Everyone has the same observations: She is thin-skinned and takes offense at the most minute things. Now she’s starting to treat me like everyone else. I hear about our not connecting like we used to, how it was so much better when I was little. It is obvious to everyone in our family that she’s depressed and needs medication and therapy, but she says she is too old (50) to change. Is there anything I can do? — No Longer the Little Girl
Dear No: Your mother gave you a wonderful childhood against all odds, but she neglected to carve out a life for herself. You were her world, but you grew up and took her world with you. What I recommend is that you tell her that 50 is in no way too old to change or turn things around. Suggest that she invested everything in you and now that is not workable. Urge her to see a mental health professional and start talking. — Margo, hopefully
