Dear Readers: I’ve never reprinted anything written by someone else, but the following was so good, I thought I would bend my own rule. The writer, Gretchen Rubin, blogs about ways to be happy. Her site is , should you care to take a look. What particularly caught my eye was her “23 Phrases to Help You Fight Right.” I have long felt that fighting fair was the key to the health of any relationship. It is too easy, in the heat of battle, to blurt out, “And guess what? I’ve always hated your sister!” So in the spirit of the Thanksgiving we’ve just celebrated, I figure anything that keeps the peace is something to be thankful for.
Here are Rubin’s phrases to keep your significant-other conflagrations on the down low:
Please try to understand my point of view.
Wait, can I take that back?
You don’t have to solve this — it helps me just to talk to you.
This is important to me. Please listen.
I overreacted.
I see you’re in a tough position.
I can see my part in this.
I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
I could be wrong.
Let’s agree to disagree on that.
This isn’t just your problem; it’s our problem.
I’m feeling unappreciated.
We’re getting off the subject.
You’ve convinced me.
Let’s take a break for a few minutes. (If you can remember to do this, it’s extremely effective — especially if you’re having a big fight. After a break, it’s almost impossible to go back to yelling.)
Please keep talking to me.
I realize it’s not your fault.
That came out all wrong.
I see how I contributed to the problem.
What are we really fighting about?
How can I make things better?
I’m sorry.
I love you.
Rubin adds: “It’s very important to respond well if your partner makes a ‘repair attempt’ — the technical term for a gesture of reconciliation and love. Don’t rebuff a repair attempt!”
A Hellish Past Need Not Take Over Your Life
Dear Margo: I am a 47-year-old woman, married for 22 years. My husband is wonderful, a good provider and would do anything for me. My problem is that I have absolutely no libido. I have never really cared for sex and only did it because that’s what a wife does, but even that finally got to be too much for me. I know he has needs, but I almost get physically ill just thinking about it. I should add that I was sexually assaulted when I was younger, and I developed a drinking problem and was very promiscuous as a teen and young adult. I don’t want to lose my husband, yet I know this is not fair to him. Should I let him go so he can have a normal sex life with someone new? Please help. — Haunted
Dear Haunt: If you hadn’t mentioned your sexual history, I would have recommended that a physician check for possible physiological causes. Your historical information makes it clear that you need an able therapist to help you unknot what are devastating if not lethal associations with sex. You are burdened with old and destructive baggage that I believe you can unload with professional guidance. I would urge you to do this, for your peace of mind and for your marriage. My instinct is that you’ve never explored the early damage, and it’s a miracle that you’ve gone more than 22 years bearing this burden. There are women in your situation who have overcome their aversion to sex with therapy, and I’m betting you can, too. — Margo, hopefully
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
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