Dear Amy: My wife has been an alcoholic for 25 years. She lost her professional license and driver’s license for more than 10 years over multiple motor vehicle infractions. She claims (boasts) she is in recovery, yet this year she has experienced several major slips.
When we dine out, she insists on having a drink. I view her one drink as a stick of dynamite ready to possibly set her off again.
She insists that she will never cross the line, but under the guise of shopping trips, she stops at a lounge for a few drinks.
She will be able to legally drive again in a few weeks.
I realize I am powerless over her disease, but feel I am sitting on an active volcano.
My wife attends Alcoholics Anonymous meetings but is not honest about her drinking.
Needless to say, she has many people fooled — including herself. — Dumb Spouse
Dear Spouse: You are correct that you have no control over your wife’s drinking, so you should focus on the only thing you can control: your own actions and reactions.
Your wife might actively deny how dangerous drinking could be for her, but there is no reason for you to participate in her fiction.
You need to practice “loving detachment,” accept your powerlessness but communicate consequences for her choices. You can say, “I won’t participate in your drinking. If we’re out and you choose to drink, I’m going to have to leave the restaurant because I don’t want to watch you relapse.” Don’t warn her further, and don’t police her, but do what you need to do for your own sake and sanity.
You are hurt, angry and anxiously waiting for your wife’s alcoholism to explode; this is a terrible way to live.
You should attend Al-Anon meetings where you will meet other family members of alcoholics. Check for a local meeting.
Dear Amy: I met a wonderful man more than a year ago. We have both been divorced for three years and are parents of kids in high school and college. We enjoy the same things and have similar values. We are in love.
The only obstacle is his 15-year-old daughter, who throws a fit and rejects her father at the mere mention of meeting me.
His devotion to her and fear of losing her have led him to hide our relationship. He won’t talk to me on the phone in her presence; he never mentions me to her and doesn’t display photos of us.
With his older daughter, everything’s fine.
We have talked of a future, but the longer I am refused the opportunity to become acquainted with his younger daughter, the less likely a long-term relationship seems.
Does this relationship seem doomed to you? — Slipping Away
Dear Slipping: Your guy is letting his daughter control him. He is treating her like a toddler and teaching her that emotional blackmail works.
If he had dealt with this early on, his daughter would have thrown her fits and adjusted by now. The longer he waits, the more challenging this will be. This is a potentially toxic situation and is not good for her emotional health.
He should introduce you to his daughter in a sensitive and low-key fashion, and behave as the emotionally present and in-charge dad his daughter deserves to have.
If he can’t manage to mentor his daughter through this challenge, then I agree that his future with you is dicey.
Send questions to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
