Dear Margo: I’ve been in a relationship for the past nine months with a man I love and have a great friendship with. He is kind, interesting and great fun to be with, but I feel an imbalance in the relationship because of our pasts and responsibilities.
He had a short-lived marriage that created a child and ended in divorce nearly two years ago (before we met). I’m not a parent and don’t have an ex-spouse. I drive myself crazy thinking about the fact that he has an ex-wife — someone he made vows to, someone he once held at night, someone who bore his firstborn. I know he is serious about our relationship and would like to get married. I would be on the same page if I weren’t so concerned about the emotional reaction I have every time I think about his ex-wife and the fact that everything in our marriage would be an exciting new adventure for me and a rerun for him. I know our relationship is very different from the one they had, and that he is not living in the past. What advice can you offer to help me get over it and stop resenting being “the second”? — Unbalanced
Dear Un: You are getting in your own way, hon, and seemingly looking with a spyglass for something to muck this up. You make a false assumption that everything in your marriage, for him, would be a rerun. Every remarriage is different from the previous one. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) I’m not sure whether insecurity or over-romanticism is guiding your thinking, but you have to get a realistic grasp of mature thinking. A lot of great husbands have ex-wives. — Margo, repetitively
Count your blessings, dear, and stop crying
Dear Margo: I was in a relationship with a man for two years. We hit it off instantly, and while our relationship was not perfect, it was by far the best I’d ever had. I went out of my way not to make the typical “girl” mistakes — e.g., I let him say “I love you” first. He asked me to move in with him, and for the first time in my 29 years, I was looking forward to the future. Then, several weeks ago, he said, “I’m ending it. I have the right to end it, and you have no choice but to respect my decision. You can either move on with your life or try to get revenge.”
I was mortified and horribly hurt. He has developed a virulent anger toward me that I don’t understand. I’ve called him several times to ask why he is so angry, and he proceeds to call me horrible names and then just hangs up. He won’t talk to me or answer my e-mails. There are a lot of things that could have affected his decision, including his history of depression and a Ph.D. he was unable to finish in time. I have done nothing but cry and am losing weight. I guess my primary question is: How should I handle this so I can recover? — Desperate for Answers
Dear Des: I think you should go to the house of worship of your choice and offer thanks. (If you are Wiccan, commune with nature; if you’re an atheist, treat yourself to a spa day.) You not only found out in time that this man is unkind, uncommunicative and unpredictable, but in addition, that he takes out his own failures and disappointments on a partner. I’m guessing his mood disorder doesn’t help the situation. Stop calling and e-mailing. There’s nothing he could tell you that would be useful. Anybody who can turn on a dime is a big red flag on two legs. — Margo, fortunately
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
