Dear Amy: My husband has begun traveling frequently for work. He seems to slip into “vacation mode” when he’s gone. Even though his employer compensates him well for each trip, he spends extravagantly, often putting large charges on our credit card, which we’ve agreed to pay off, not put more charges on.
He drinks excessively. Recently, he fell asleep drunk in a hotel bathroom. A co-worker found him there.
He rarely drinks at home — maybe a beer with dinner out once or twice a month.
When I ask him why this continues to happen, even though he promises not to do any of these things each time he leaves, he says he “doesn’t know why” he does it.
I’ve tried to make things easier on him at home so his work travel doesn’t have to be such an escape for him, but that doesn’t seem to be helping.
The behavior is unprofessional and reckless. It is just not like my normally responsible and respectful husband.
How else can I get my point across without nagging?
Is it time to see a counselor? — Frustrated Wife
Dear Frustrated: It is definitely time to see a counselor.
Your husband is bingeing. He is binge drinking, binge spending and is out of control when he’s on the road. Furthermore, he doesn’t know (or claims not to know) why he is behaving this way.
This could be a reaction triggered by stress — at home or at work. Or it could be a relapse of an earlier problem he hasn’t told you about.
Because this seems to be happening regularly, he should see a professional to explore what’s going on.
Don’t frame this as a household budgeting issue but as a mystery that worries you to the core. Urge him into therapy before his employer does.
Dear Amy: A mom who wrote to you was concerned about her teenage daughter being sarcastic and unpleasant, and losing friends.
My daughter also has issues relating to her peers in a way that isn’t sarcastic. She is also very straightforward, even if it’s not always nice.
We had been working with her on this, but she was resisting. She thought she didn’t need to change.
Her counselor suggested that we videotape her and let her see it.
She was relaying a story to us from school, and we had her say it again on tape. When we showed it to her, she was shocked. We are now having a much easier time working with her on reframing her statements.
Sometimes a picture (or video) is worth a thousand arguments. — Relieved Mom
Dear Relieved: People who have trouble reading social cues often need training to learn this important skill. Viewing photos or video of other people’s facial expressions can actually teach recognition.
Your daughter’s therapist had a great idea — to show your daughter her own face.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to the issue raised by the “Reluctant Host.”
My mother had a nasty habit of showing up with her suitcase and moving in for a day, weekend or week! Nothing I said to her helped. Fortunately other family members who lived closer to Mom were sympathetic and let me know her plans in advance.
On her last “surprise” visit — over a holiday weekend — when Mom arrived there was no one home, the house was locked up and I was conveniently out of town.
When she finally reached me late Sunday night after I came home from a friend’s house where I had stayed (by invitation), she was naturally upset.
I told her that if she had called and let me know she was coming, she would have known I wouldn’t be there.
Needless to say, she got the message and it didn’t happen again. Problem solved. The surprise was on her. — Another Reluctant Host
Dear Another: Some people seem to require extreme measures before they get the message. Good for you.
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