Dear Margo: I have been dating a great guy for a year-and-a-half. He’s kind, generous, funny, loving and financially stable. We’ve been discussing marriage for the past six months.
He recently bought an old yacht and now spends every weekend and holiday repairing it. While I understand he has always wanted one, and he insists this is no midlife crisis (he is 40, never married), it seems a bit excessive and obsessive. When he bought it, he mentioned in passing that the fact that I don’t sail (yet) is not a deal-breaker. He says this is the lifestyle he’s always wanted and plans to spend most of his free time on the boat.
We had words yesterday, and he pretty much told me that this is what he wants and I could take it or leave it. I am unsure what to do. To me, a man who would buy a yacht before thinking about a house and family (he says he wants children) seems a bit irresponsible, like he doesn’t want to “grow up.” Is this just a phase that he will grow out of, or am I being close-minded? I am willing to try sailing, but it doesn’t seem that he has really thought seriously about a family. At his age, if he hasn’t done so yet, am I wasting my time? — Wondering
Dear Won: All of this man’s fine qualities notwithstanding, it sounds like the boat is No. 1 in his affections. When a man is 40 and his lifelong dream is finally within reach, I suspect his priorities will not change and that this is not “a phase.” The “take it or leave it” is quite a strong hint.
Unless you are able to talk this out with him to your satisfaction, I think you would be wise to let him look for another first mate. This whole deal sounds like the floating version of a souped-up motorcycle, which is often a midlife situation, or at the very least a self-centered choice. I am married to a sailor, but it is way down on the list of things he values. My guess is that you will wind up inviting Popeye to find himself a sailorette. — Margo, aquatically
When To Commit the “Sin” of Omission
Dear Margo: I have started a relationship with the most amazing guy. I met him at my university (and this is also my first relationship with someone of the same gender). We always have a great time, and our personalities mesh really well.
When I tell my friends about him, I am embarrassed to say how we met, since it was through an online ad for no-strings-attached sex. But even our first night together ended up being more than just sex. I want to be able to tell people how I met him without having to lie, but I don’t like having to deal with their overly critical judgments. Is there a way I can describe how we met and still be able to avoid the criticism and disgust that so many of my friends would have? — Tired of the Critics
Dear Ti: To quote a Yiddish proverb, “You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.” Simply tell people that the two of you met online (perfectly respectable these days), and leave out the hooking up and no-strings-attached aspect. That is nobody’s business. And while I’m pondering relevant sayings, the idea of meeting strangers just for sex reminds me of something Gore Vidal said of himself: “I have tried everything except incest and folk-dancing.” In any case, I wish you and your accidentally wonderful hook-up well. — Margo, serendipitously
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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