Dear Amy: I’m a supervisor in an educational setting.
Recently during a meeting with a group of students and my peers, a student called me “deferential.”
The word deferential seems like a negative for me, as though she was telling me I was passive, too quiet or not as strong as other supervisors.
I also objected to her tone. It was as though she was talking down to me.
I didn’t defend myself. I felt weak and insecure, and wished I would have stuck up for myself and asked her what she meant.
My reaction was to do nothing and I don’t think this was the best response, though it’s pretty normal for me. I was in shock.
Was she wrong to say this to me or was I wrong to be offended and then not to defend myself? What should I have said to put her in her place? I would like to learn how to stand up for myself in an assertive manner. Any tips? — Angry Academic
Dear Angry: By not reacting in the moment, you basically proved this student right.
In a business meeting you can handle discomfort not by confronting but by changing direction. You say, “Let’s turn our attention to the matter at hand.”
Generally, any personal characterization is out of line at a professional meeting, and the sooner this student learns this, the better.
There’s nothing wrong with being quiet or low-key (if that is your nature), but if your students are basically walking over you, you should make some changes.
You could script out some statements to make and rehearse your part of the conversation.
I suggest you keep it simple and say, “I’d like to talk to you about a remark you made in front of other students and colleagues. Could you explain your thinking?”
Give the student a chance to respond and listen to what she says.
Then you can say, “I want you to know I didn’t appreciate that remark. It was inappropriate, out of line and embarrassing to both of us.”
Dear Amy: You have expressed sympathy in your column to men who have recently been forced out of the workplace by the current economy.
Support groups for men who have lost their jobs abound, while those for women in the same situation are nonexistent.
I am 57. On top of being dismissed by employers to whom I am now invisible, on top of being unable to continue to do work at which I am very, very good, I have to bear society implying that a man losing his job is a crisis; a woman losing hers is not.
Dismissing the psychological impact of job loss for women like me only adds to all the many other negative aspects of our situation. — Name Withheld
Dear Withheld: Job loss is traumatic — for anyone. Speaking very generally, women seem to seek out support when they need it through personal and professional networks.
Unemployment is very isolating. It affects a person’s very identity, and is no less traumatic for you than anyone. You should search for professional networking groups in your area. If you don’t find a group, I hope you’ll be inspired to start one.
Dear Amy: I read the letter from “Fatty,” the girl whose mom was concerned about her weight.
I am glad the girl realizes she is proportioned appropriately. My mother did the same thing to me. I was 5 foot 8 inches and weighed 130 pounds.
I never had a good concept of myself (now, I wish I were “fat” like that).
Your answer to her was correct. This is abuse. — BeenThere
Dear Been There: Our parents teach us how to see ourselves.
Constantly scrutinizing, commenting, criticizing and physically poking and pinching a child (as “Fatty’s” mother did) is abusive.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
