The iPad is out, and if the Internet accounts can be believed (and when can’t they), the world has undergone a dramatic shift.
It is claimed that possessing the iPad makes childbirth painless, takes the stress out of college finals, makes excessive tanning actually reverse the aging process and causes prom queens to decide the short, nerdy guy with the heart of gold is the one they actually want.
If there’s any bad news to be had, it’s that the underhanded and nefarious members of society are working overtime to lay their greasy mitts on Steve Jobs’ latest divine inspiration/thinly veiled repackaging of older and better products.
No one knows this any better than Bill Jordan, the 59-year-old who lost his pinky finger to a freak accident when one of society’s poor, misunderstood children yanked the bag containing his iPad right out of his hand.
So, while we reap the miraculous benefits of the iPad, it’s time to give some thoughts to iPad security. Here are a few suggestions:
Pros: Attractive interface. Adds diversity to a long history of vanilla anti-theft programs.
Cons: Competition keeps raising suspicion of Kenyan programming. Known to make iPad smoke on occasion.
Pros: Mauls would-be thieves. Can be programmed to fetch slippers.
Cons: iPad occasionally causes dog to find and roll in dead electronics. Leg-kicking scratch spot costs extra.
Pros: Super-strong yet sensitive and soulful connection let user know where iPad is at all times.
Cons: Sparkling interface causes glare in the sun. Non-iLight-using friends begin to suspect you’re a dolt.
Pros: Can be upgraded with optional iBlair feature to improve presentation. Activates iPad “swagger” mode known to be especially popular in the Midwest and South.
Cons: Occasionally overruled by secondary “vice” programs. Willingly Malicious Deviants sometimes mistakenly identified, leading to drawn-out and expensive programming errors.
Pros: Instant gratification. Can shout: “Don’t taze me, bro,” at assailants. Doubles as toaster.
Cons: User required to wear gloves. Unsuspecting users subject to a “hey-is-that-an-iPaAAAAAAAAAARGH” experience.
Pros: Greatly eliminates chance that “brown” users will attempt to buy, use or even look at an iPad. Activates iPad “Minute Man” mode, known to be especially popular in the Midwest and South. Addresses problem issue without user input or bothersome dialog.
Cons: Causes some programs to work twice as well and some to not work at all. Changes default screensaver to flaming U.S. Constitution.
Pros: Beautiful interface. Groundbreaking interface. World-changing interface. Breathtaking interface. Artistic interface. Interface that will rock your world. Interface is the best thing in history, ever, and they should probably quit making more interfaces because they’re going to be terrible compared to this.
Cons: Causes irrational hatred of U.S. military. Interface dialog apparently written by 8-year-old.
Jonas Hogg (jonas.wright@gmail.com) Denver is a writer/photographer in Denver.
