Dear Margo: My husband and I got married six months ago — a second marriage for both of us. His previous marriage only lasted two years, and they’ve been divorced for 14 years. That divorce was bitter, and he took responsibility for the breakup and has always expressed deep regret about losing her, once confiding that she was the love of his life. Years later, he was able to make amends and would call her occasionally to say hello.
When I met him three years ago, I actually applauded the fact that there was civility between them. (She never remarried.) But in the year leading up to our marriage, the frequency and duration of their calls to each other changed dramatically. Without telling me, I discovered that they were having daily conversations, sometimes lasting more than an hour. Once, we were at a party, surrounded by close friends and family, when he felt the need to break away from everyone to talk to his ex-wife. On another occasion, I saw a text message from her asking whether it was “safe to call?”
When I confronted him, he claimed they were just good friends and that the calls had nothing to do with trying to reconcile. When I asked why he had kept this rekindled friendship a secret from me, he got mad, saying it was none of my business. I told him that if he was trying to reconcile with his ex, it was indeed my business! He insisted that if he had wanted to reconcile, he never would have gotten engaged to me.
Three months before our wedding, I asked him to stop the calls, saying he needed to put his energies into his new marriage. To my relief, he agreed, and there was no more evidence of contact between them. Since then, I’ve learned that he still calls her and tries to cover it up. I confronted him, and he once again told me he has the right to call his friends anytime he wants without consulting me. Am I just a jealous and insecure new wife, as he claims? — Enough Is Enough
Dear E: To borrow from Princess Diana: There are three of you in this marriage. You are neither jealous nor insecure. The reality is that he is a louse who is still hung up on his ex, and he’s trying to put you on the defensive. If I were faced with this situation, I would be out of there so fast the breeze from the closing door would knock him on his backside. — Margo, confidently
Could Mary Poppins Be Bulimic?
Dear Margo: My wife and I have four children, and we hired a perfect nanny a year and a half ago to care for them when we are at work. She is dependable and sweet, and the kids love her. But we believe she may be bulimic.
She diets frequently and currently is doing the hormone injections. Junk food disappears in droves; whole cakes have disappeared in a single day. We have found evidence of vomit around the toilet and sink. We have asked whether the kids were ill, but she says no.
We are concerned for her health and for the welfare of our kids. We worry about the possibility of her having a sudden health problem while the children are in her care. We are unsure how to confront her. Should we contact her husband? We don’t want to lose her. — Please Don’t Purge
Dear Please: If you know for certain that none of the children is throwing up or polishing off whole cakes, I see no need to tiptoe around your suspicions. This woman is, after all, caring for four children. (And I do not know what the hormone injections are for.)
Before you contact her husband, sit her down and say there are many signs pointing to her having an eating disorder. Insist that she start to address her illness, or you will have to let her go, both out of concern for your children and not wishing to be a party to her possible hospitalization — or worse. If she denies it, then I think you have no choice but to let her go. — Margo, necessarily
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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